Portola, CA, a small town nestled in the Sierra Nevada, has recently made headlines as the newest acquisition of Guru O’shnish and his mystical quasi-Hindu-Indian cult from Oregon. The town, purchased for a whopping $54 million, has left its residents in an uproar as they grapple with the reality of living under the cult’s reign.

Despite receiving above-market value for their properties, the decision to close down the beloved Squeeze Burger inside the 7-Eleven on Sierra Avenue has left residents disgruntled and anxious about the future of their community.

The City manager in Portola had no comment on the proposed deal, saying he was not only under a non-disclosure agreement but was also too busy answering emails from concerned citizens around the state about the latest right-wing moral outrage about suspending invocations before council meetings. He was excited about possibly having an Indian or Himalayan-style restaurant in town. “It’s time to expand our epicurean options,” he said, off the record.

Who is Guru O’shnish?

Guru O’shnish’s cult, known as the O’shnish-ram, originated in Oregon and consisted of devoted followers who practice a unique blend of Hindu and Indian spirituality. The cult’s followers, or O’shnish-ees, as they prefer to be called, have migrated to Portola en masse, creating a noticeable shift in the town’s demographics.

Surprisingly, the Dollar General on the other side of town remains untouched. According to sources close to the cult’s leadership, Guru O’shnish is an avid fan of the discount retailer. He reportedly plans to maintain the store for his use and the benefit of his multiple wives.

Guru O’shnish, the enigmatic leader of the O’shnish-ram, has long been controversial. Known for his lavish lifestyle, the Guru has a penchant for Rolls Royces, big homes, multiple wives, and, oddly enough, Dollar General. Those close to him say that he views these material possessions as symbols of his spiritual success and tools to attract new followers to his cause. Critics argue that O’shnish’s extravagance is merely a cover for his true intentions: to exploit the devotion of his followers for personal gain. Despite the controversy surrounding him, the charismatic leader has managed to maintain a devoted following, and it seems his influence will only continue to grow as his cult expands into the town of Portola.

Nearby Towns Aren’t Happy

As news of the cult’s takeover spread, the nearby affluent town of Graeagle, CA, has expressed its horror and disdain. In an effort to protect their community from being infiltrated by O’shnish-ees, Graeagle’s town council has announced plans to erect a Trump-style border wall around their borders. This move has garnered both support and criticism from residents, with some praising the town’s proactive stance while others arguing that such a wall may only exacerbate tensions between the two towns.

Meanwhile, the citizens of Quincy, CA, are seething with anger and jealousy after learning of the cult’s decision to purchase Portola. According to insiders, Quincy residents had been hoping for their buyout, which they saw as a much-needed economic boost. However, their dreams were dashed when the cult deemed Quincy “too smokey and garish” for their tastes. In response, Quincy locals have taken to social media to express their frustrations, leading to the rise of hashtags such as #QuincyFury and #CultInvasion.

The sudden shift in the town’s ownership has raised several questions about the legality of the purchase and the cult’s intentions for Portola. According to legal experts, the deal appears to have been brokered through a series of complex real estate transactions, making it difficult to challenge the cult’s ownership of the town. Furthermore, the cult’s plans for Portola remain shrouded in mystery, leaving residents to speculate and worry about what the future holds for their town.

One resident, who wished to remain anonymous, shared their concerns: “It’s a nightmare. They just swooped in and bought the whole town without regard for the people here. And now they’re shutting down the Squeeze Burger? That’s the last straw. I don’t know what will happen to this town, but I don’t want to stick around to find out.”

Another resident, who is more optimistic about the cult’s takeover, said: “I’ve heard that the O’shnish-ram has done some good things in Oregon. Maybe they’ll bring some positive change to Portola. It could use a little revitalization, and who knows, maybe their strange beliefs will attract tourists and boost our economy.”

As Portola adjusts to its new reality under the rule of Guru O’shnish and his cult, tensions continue to rise between the O’shnish-ees and the town’s original inhabitants. Many residents are concerned about the potential changes the cult may bring, while others are curious about the potential benefits the O’shnish-ram could offer the community.

Portola Residents Have Mixed Feelings

Some Portola residents have already started attending the cult’s meetings and events, hoping to better understand the O’shnish-ram’s beliefs and practices. Reports from these meetings suggest that the cult’s teachings focus on self-improvement, meditation, and communal living. However, critics argue that the cult’s true intentions are to manipulate and control the town’s population, ultimately turning Portola into a hub for its religious activities.

As the situation continues to unfold, the fate of the Squeeze Burger remains uncertain. The beloved eatery, which has long been a staple of Portola’s culinary scene, now faces an uncertain future as the O’shnish-ram asserts its dominance over the town. Locals have organized a “Save Squeeze Burger” campaign, hoping to pressure the cult into reversing their decision. Whether their efforts will be successful remains to be seen.

During the ongoing drama, the Dollar General has experienced a surge in popularity, with both cult members and locals flocking to the store to take advantage of its low prices. The store’s management has expressed gratitude for the unexpected boost in business. Still, it remains wary of the tensions that continue to brew between the O’shnish-ram and the rest of the community.

As Portola, Graeagle, and Quincy grapple with the repercussions of the cult’s takeover, it is clear that the situation has profoundly impacted the region. The coming months will likely prove to be a critical time for the town of Portola as its residents adjust to their new neighbors and the O’shnish-ram cult settles into its latest acquisition.