North San Juan, CA — In a revelation that’s cooking up more controversy than a Grand Slam breakfast at noon, local conspiracy theorist Skyy Wolford has served up a piping hot theory that’s sizzling across the Grass Valley and Nevada City divide: We’re all living in a Denny’s simulation.
Mr. Wolford is not a scientist, nor does he have any scientific training. He studied psychology for two semesters at Sierra College until he decided “school was not right for him.” He retired to North San Juan to sell fake crystals sourced from Malaysia to Yuba River tourists
Wolford, known for his groundbreaking discoveries like proving the moon is made of spare ribs and that Bigfoot is actually just a shy, oversized barista hiding in the Sierra foothills, sat down with The Broad Street Beacon to discuss his latest “findings.” According to Wolford, every life event, from birth to the DMV lines, is carefully orchestrated by an interdimensional Denny’s, ensuring we’re forever trapped in the ultimate all-you-can-eat cosmic diner.
“The evidence is as clear as the syrup on your table,” Wolford stated, adjusting his aluminum foil hat with the seriousness of a chef perfecting his hollandaise. “Ever noticed how every town has a Denny’s, yet nobody recalls seeing one being built? It’s because they’re portal hubs. You know, gateways to the Moons Over My Hammy multiverse.”
Wolford’s assertions come after his recent “field research” at the local Denny’s, an establishment that gained notoriety when the Placer County Minutemen (PCM) held a syrupy standoff to reopen the diner amid pancake withdrawal symptoms. According to Wolford, during the commotion, he noticed a glitch in the matrix: a waitress walked past him thrice, each time offering coffee with a slightly different pitch in her voice.
“It’s a loop, a Denny’s loop! They’re testing us, seeing if we notice we’re in a simulation,” Wolford exclaimed, pointing to a stack of napkin sketches resembling quantum physics equations mixed with pancake drawings.
To butter up this breakfast theory, we sought commentary from Dr. Tral Aldrich, a Caltech astrophysicist known for his groundbreaking work on black holes and his remarkable patience for Nevada County’s unique blend of science and speculation.
“Mr. Wolford’s theory is… fascinating,” Dr. Aldrich commented, his voice laced with the kind of caution one uses when considering whether to order some mysterious fried seafood or a desert at Denny’s. “While the simulation hypothesis is a legitimate field of philosophical inquiry, the Denny’s rendition is, shall we say, a new flavor of the concept.”
Dr. Aldrich further elaborated that while the universe’s mysteries are as vast as the Denny’s menu, the likelihood of us living in a Denny’s simulation specifically is as slim as finding a low-calorie option on said menu.
However, Wolford remains undeterred, citing the PCM’s unwavering commitment to Denny’s as further proof of his theory.
“Why do you think the PCM is so obsessed with Denny’s? It’s not just about the breakfast food. They sense it, too, on a subconscious level. Denny’s is the alpha and omega, the sunny-side up and over easy of our existence.”
As the interview concluded, Wolford left us with one final thought to chew on: “Next time you’re at Denny’s, ask yourself – do you really choose the Grand Slam, or does the Grand Slam choose you?”
While the community digests this latest serving of cosmic conjecture, one thing remains clear: in the ever-unfolding saga of Nevada County’s peculiarities, the truth, much like the perfect hash browns, is out there–crispy, golden, and enshrouded in mystery.
As for Dr. Aldrich, he plans to continue his research into the cosmos, though he admits he might stop by Denny’s for some ‘field research’ of his own. “After all,” he says with a wink, “if you can’t beat them, join them for breakfast.”
Next time you ponder the fabric of your reality over your next Moons Over My Hammy, remember: in a town where Bigfoot is a barista, and the moon’s made of ribs, is living in Denny’s simulation really the most far-fetched theory on the menu? Or is it just another side dish in our rich buffet of local lore? Only time, and perhaps the next refill of coffee, will tell.
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