Newcastle, CA — In a scene that felt ripped from the pages of a parody novel, the Placer County Minutemen (PCM) made another attempt to “restore liberty” by breaking into the long-shuttered Denny’s in Newcastle. Their mission? To serve up freedom and Grand Slams, one way or another.
The ragtag group of 14 self-described “patriots,” led by the ever-enthusiastic Gary Craft, had been plotting this latest act of rebellion from their remote HQ in Iowa Hill for weeks. The target: the iconic diner that once dished out eggs and bacon to weary travelers along Interstate 80 but now sat dark and deserted, a casualty of an economy still reeling from waves of closures and a pandemic hangover that refuses to die.
“Locking healthy people up is tyranny,” declared Craft, standing before the Denny’s, an AR-15 slung over his shoulder and a fire in his belly. “Our goal is to unite. We are one people. Free people. A people who want their Grand Slams back.”
The operation began around 8:43 AM, with the Minutemen assembling outside the Denny’s like a poorly cast remake of Ocean’s Eleven. They quickly hit a snag: none of them wanted to break the door. “No one wanted to damage the property, so we just stood outside the doors for a few minutes trying to figure out what to do,” Craft explained. “Finally, one of our guys said he knew how to pick a lock, so he started doing that.”
Unfortunately, industrial-grade locks proved more formidable than expected, leading to a brief but heated discussion about the merits of roof access. This, of course, led to Carl ‘crank me’ Fredrickson volunteering to climb through the stove exhaust vent—a plan that went south the moment Carl, generously described as “husky,” became lodged ten feet down.
“It was a low point, literally and figuratively,” said Craft. “We had to pull Carl out by his boots. But right when we were about to break down the front door, Jay found the back door unlocked. So, we just went in that way. Not our finest moment, but hey, we got in.”
It quickly became apparent inside the diner that passion doesn’t translate to competence. None of the group had any real kitchen experience, a fact that dawned on them only after they’d managed to turn on one fryer and the griddle. “We should have planned better,” Craft admitted. “But this crew lives on drive-thru and Lean Cuisines. I don’t know why Carl eats those damn things. They’re not doing anything for his girlish physique. I suppose eating four at once doesn’t help.”
Just as the group was getting ready to attempt their first meal—likely a charred and oily disaster—the Placer County Sheriff’s Department arrived, drawn by the sight of the iconic Denny’s sign flickering back to life over the highway.
“Yeah, we weren’t expecting any trouble from the Sheriff, but we sure got a load of it,” Craft recounted. “I told the boys not to resist, but Carl, being Carl, freaked out and tried to escape out the back door. He made it all the way to the Mobil station down the street before the deputies tackled him. Not a good situation at all.”
According to the Sheriff’s report, all 14 group members were booked into the Placer County Jail on charges ranging from burglary and breaking into a business establishment to the unusual but probably warranted “attempting to cook without a license.” Carl Fredrickson, ever the standout, earned additional charges for evading arrest and lewd conduct—apparently, he’d decided that escaping was easier without pants.
As of now, no court date has been set, but the group remains undeterred. “This isn’t over,” Craft vowed as he was cuffed. “We’ll be back. And next time, we’ll bring a professional chef.”
Meanwhile, the Newcastle Denny’s remains closed, its kitchen filled with the ghostly scent of half-cooked rebellion and more than a little desperation.
