Grass Valley, CA — A clandestine group resembling the plot of the infamous novel Fight Club has been uncovered. However, this is no ordinary band of discontented men seeking existential solace through fisticuffs. No, our local version stars none other than the beloved icons of children’s television: the Teletubbies.

Dubbed “Tubby Club” by its participants, the underground network was discovered behind the serene façade of the local custard factory, a place previously thought to be the pinnacle of innocent delight. According to undisclosed sources, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po have been engaging in bare-knuckle brawls under the moonlit sky, their once vibrant and cheerful exteriors now marred with the bruises of battle.

The first rule of Tubby Club, much like its human counterpart, is you do not talk about Tubby Club. The second rule of Tubby Club? You DO NOT talk about Tubby Club. This code of silence was shattered when Noo-noo, the group’s erstwhile vacuum cleaner confidant, was overheard at the Nevada Club spilling the beans to an undercover Beacon insider.

Details of the fights are as fantastical as they are horrifying. Matches are held in the dead of night, with the Teletubbies communicating their battle cries through a series of eerie, guttural coos, understood only by those within their tight-knit circle. The once idyllic Home Dome has been transformed into a den of dissent, where the group challenges the very fabric of Teletubby society with each unauthorized gathering.

Teletubbies in a fight on Mill Street in Grass Valley, CA
Teletubbies in a fight on Mill Street in Grass Valley, CA

The motivations behind this descent into chaos remain as mysterious as the show’s infamous “baby sun.” Some speculate it’s a rebellion against the soft, cushy image that society has forced upon them, a cry for freedom from the tyranny of endless joy and simplicity. Others suggest it’s merely a phase, a bizarre rite of passage into the next stage of Teletubby evolution.

Authorities have hesitated to intervene, citing a lack of jurisdiction in fictional character disputes and an unwillingness to navigate the complex legal landscape of copyright law. Meanwhile, the citizens of Grass Valley are left to ponder the implications of such a beloved childhood memory turning into an emblem of subversion.

In a statement released by the Tubby Club, through a series of cryptic babbles and interpretive dances, they assert their right to self-expression and self-discovery, challenging the community to look beyond the surface and embrace the complexities of identity, even if that identity involves a bit of clandestine brawling.

The Beacon will continue to provide coverage, ensuring our readers are kept abreast of the latest developments in what may very well be the most bizarre tale ever to grace our historic town.