Grass Valley, CA — A Penn Valley man alerted the Grass Valley Police Department yesterday that a “busload of highly caffeinated German tourists were going to be in town over the weekend.” The caller encouraged the police to “take the appropriate precautions” to deal with the “unusually fast-talking” and occasionally “hyper-critical” foreigners.
“We received a call from William Dick Tozer of Penn Valley late last night that a group of overly caffeinated foreigners possibly from Germany or Marysville via a chartered bus,” said Grass Valley Police spokesperson Lt. Chad Chadderly. “And that we needed to be prepared for ‘anything,’ as Mr. Tozer said.”
The GVPD set up several barriers around town in response to the threat. And in an odd move, removed the blockages on both ends of Mill Street with two large signs that read “Welcome German Friends.”
When asked about the strange maneuver, Officer Chadderly told the press that this was part of their “double-secret plan” to contain any “german rabble-rousing.”
“Look, anyone who’s been around hopped-up Germans knows what a handful they can be. So we carefully developed a route to direct the busload of our visitors to a place where we can keep an eye on them.”
As luck would have it, the bus did arrive in Grass Valley but didn’t stop downtown, instead stopping in the Glenbrook basin for lunch. According to shy B&C Paint specialist Rick Guzman, the Germans were both jacked up on “something” and appeared to stoned-to-the-bejesus as well.
“They piled out of the bus and began giggling incessantly,” said Mr. Guzman, avoiding eye contact. “It turns out they were making fun of our Subway sandwich store. I have no idea why they found it funny, but they were almost rolling on the ground.”
Darryl Bentons, their Fairfield-based bus driver for Gold Rush Adventures, said he had enough of them by the time they got to Newcastle.
“They were talking very fast, and I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. But as soon as I started talking over the PA, they started correcting my grammar. That went on for over 2 hours.”
For his part, Officer Chadderly notified the Sierra County Sheriff after learning that their final destination was Downieville.
“I told him not to panic. And that, you know, they’re just Germans, and there’s nothing to be afraid of. They’re just hopped up on Starbucks or something. Just Germans being Germans, I suppose.”