Nevada City, CA — As major world powers attend an emergency meeting of the U.N. Security Council to address the successful launch of a North Korean satellite this weekend, federal authorities flooded into Nevada County Sunday morning to investigate what is thought to be debris from Supreme Leader Kim Jong UN’s “friendly launch” into space.

While nervous Americans have repeatedly been assured that the North Korean dictator does not have the technology required to be a nuclear threat, a Nevada County resident stumbled over something that tells a much different, ominous story.

The section of the bridge that spans the North fork of the Yuba River has been completely shut down this morning after North San Juan resident Padati Song discovered a large, suspicious metal object jutting out of the water. Song was taking his daily morning meditation hike when he turned the bend and found something terribly out of place-what seemed like wreckage from some sort of aircraft. Mr. Song recounted his story to Gish Gallop in an offsite interview.

“I was taking my daily cleansing walk, doing my breathing, and I was starting to center when suddenly this…I don’t know what to call it…appeared just right there in the middle of the river just past Old Man Rock. At first, I thought maybe a Chemtrail plane had been shot down, but there seemed to be Asian characters instead of US government markings. I started to get a really bad vibe, so I got out of there and called the sheriff. ”

Song reported his find to Sheriff Moon who was equally puzzled.

“Well, it wasn’t a plane, it was too big to be one of those damn drone things. I’d never seen anything like it. I figured I better call in the big guns.” The Sheriff immediately called the FBI. “After that call, all hell broke loose. I’m just glad it’s not on my plate.”

All Hell Breaks Loose

Within 120 minutes, the crash scene was completely locked down. Access to the water from all directions has been cordoned off, and the usually bustling section of Hwy 49 has been shut down by intimidating lines of unmarked, armed military personnel.

With the highway being off-limits five miles in both directions, the mysterious debris has not been seen in hours and is assumed still at the scene. Helicopters fill the normally serene skies, and there are rumors from local law enforcement of a large, white tent being erected around the object blocking it from view.

Upstream, efforts to dam up the Yuba completely are underway, presumably to assist in the investigation.

North Korean Missile assembly prior to launch. Image provided by DPRK News Agency.
North Korean Missile assembly before launch. Image provided by DPRK News Agency.

Requests for comments on whether the debris could be related to the rocket launched over the weekend by North Korean leader Kim Jong-un have so far gone unanswered, and FBI spokesman Arthur Tram has told growing media presence that there is no chance the twisted metal could be a successful North Korean attempt to reach US soil. One thing is for certain, what Padati Song found on his nature walk is no drone, and as NSA agents and military rovers flood in by land and air, this small mountain town is under siege.

World Leaders Attempt to Calm Fears

While reassuring the nervous public that Kim Jong-un is no threat, world leaders held a terse private counsel to discuss the allegedly benign missile experiments. Apparently timed to coincide with the date of the US Superbowl and Chinese New Year, America adversary Kim Jong-un once again ignited international fury this morning with his insistence to once again completely ignore global warnings to discontinue his satellite experiments.

President Trump said he was concerned but not surprised about North Korea’s rocket launch over the weekend, saying his administration is pressing China and working with South Korea to pressure North Korea’s regime and block its efforts.

“We have been concerned about North Korea’s behavior for a while. This is an authoritarian regime. It’s provocative. It has repeatedly violated U.N. resolutions, tested and produced nuclear weapons and now they are trying to perfect their missile launch system,” he said.

While White House officials insist that no American was in danger from the launch, Mr. Song, who discovered the now off-limits crash site begs to differ.

“I get the chills every time I think about it. I mean, when did that sucker fall? Thank Goddess I stopped to pick up my farm box before my cleanse walk-I could have been smashed into oblivion! I was almost the first bloodshed in that maniac’s war machine!” Soon after our final interview with Mr. Song, two plainclothes agents escorted him to a waiting vehicle that disappeared into the restricted area of the now Top Secret crash site.