Nevada County, CA — The Nevada County Department of Wildlife has issued its annual statement warning area residents not to approach any reindeer during the next 24 hours. This warning is not for Nevada County Residents, who generally have a distaste for furry, garden-eating animals, but for family members traveling from the city to spend time with their “backwoods relatives in the mountains.”

“Look, every year here in Nevada County, we have all these flatlander types who come up to the area to spend the holidays with family,” said County Game Official Seth DeMartini, shaking his head. “And that’s just fine. However, visitors to the area must realize that our local deer populations, especially the visiting reindeer ones on Christmas Eve, are not ‘selfie opportunities.’ Do not approach or attempt to make friends with the reindeer.”

Every year, thousands of Holiday visitors are injured by deer attacks around Nevada County because they are not aware that even a cute deer wants to maul them into pieces and eat all of their flowers, followed by stringent urination on their remaining body parts. However, not all residents appreciate the NCDW’s annual warning.


“I just hate all these flatlanders coming up here with their liberal nonsense,” said Let’s Keep Grass Valley Green community organizer Emma Butt. “We want to keep our community insular and like it was a hundred years ago, minus the diphtheria and dysentery. And the routine famines and fleas. It’s survival of the fittest, and this warning is helping to preserve parts of the flock that probably shouldn’t. You know what I’m saying?”

Some, like Jade Elscrow of Walnut Creek, CA, know firsthand that Nevada County deer shouldn’t be messed with.

“Yeah, last year I came up to visit my parents on Banner Mountain,” said Mr. Elscrow in a telephone interview from his Walnut Creek studio. “Anyhow, I thought capturing some deer for my Instagram feed would be cool, you know? Turns out, they’re not all cuddly like we think of them down in the Bay Area. Especially these Santa Reindeer. Prantzer knocked me over and crushed my iPhone 6 out of spite. Then he pissed on me and flew off. What a dick.”

According to Officer DeMartini, the best advice is that everyone stays indoors until sunrise on Christmas morning.