Wolverine, MI — The nation’s most elite snack-based security squad, the Michigan-based “Meal Team Six,” has reportedly been enlisted to fortify the protective bubble around former President Donald Trump. Known for their tactical prowess in navigating the perilous landscapes of barbecues and buffet tables, this platoon of pantry protectors is set to bring a new flavor of security to the Trump entourage.
Carl “The Hench” Ferguson, the rotund seasoned leader of “Meal Team Six,” shared insights into the team’s unorthodox yet undeniably filling approach to security.
“Our motto is ‘Leave no crumb behind,’ and that’s exactly how we operate in the field,” stated Ferguson while expertly disarming a stubborn lobster claw. “People underestimate the strategic value of a well-timed snack break. You see, an operation could be as tight as the lid on a pickle jar, but things can go south quicker than a gallon of milk on a hot day without the right sustenance. As for protecting the former President, let’s say our adversaries will have trouble getting past what we call our ‘wall of waffles.’ We’re here to serve up a dish of security so hearty, it’ll make your grandma’s pot roast look like an appetizer.”
The team, comprised of individuals whose combat experience is said to be as vast as their appetites, was reportedly spotted gearing up for the mission. Sources close to the matter revealed that preparations included strategic briefings on the layout of all-you-can-eat establishments and rigorous drills on efficient snack extraction techniques.
When asked about the decision to employ “Meal Team Six,” the former president’s spokesperson Bethany Millbright remarked, “When it comes to security, we’re not just beefing up – we’re layering in a thick, creamy layer of protection. These guys may not move fast but know how to sandwich an adversary.”
Critics of the move have voiced their concerns, suggesting that the deployment of Meal Team Six may lead to an unprecedented surge in the strategic reserves of beef jerky and powdered donut supplies. However, supporters argue that the team’s unique skill set is perfectly suited to the current climate of political hospitality.
One member of the elite snack squad, known only by his call sign “Gravy Seal,” shared his thoughts on the mission.
“We’re ready to serve and protect… and perhaps help ourselves to seconds. Our dedication is matched only by our love for mealtime. When it comes to guarding the former President, you can bet your bottom biscuit we’ll be there, with forks at the ready.”
As the nation watches with bated breath (and perhaps a touch of heartburn), “Meal Team Six” stands poised to redefine the meaning of “full coverage security.” Whether or not they will succeed in their mission remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: where there’s a meal, there’s a way.