Nevada City, CA — Leslie Smothers (38) has reached her breaking point. Having been captivated by cable news for the past few months, closely following the developments of the war in the Middle East, she has decided to take matters into her own hands. Or, instead, she’s opted for a hands-free approach.
“I reached a stage where sleep became an elusive luxury. I was a bundle of nerves, contemplating the death and destruction unfolding in that place,” Ms. Smothers remarked. “I was feeling completely lost and unsure of how to proceed. I suddenly recalled that there was something I could do.”
According to Miss Smothers, she decided to refrain from engaging in certain activities until there was peace in the Middle East.
“I had a stroke of inspiration in the wee hours of the night while indulging in an infomercial on the wonders of convection ovens. The whole chicken was being roasted, spinning endlessly on the rotisserie. You understand what I’m saying. It was at that moment that I had a sudden realization. I’m not entirely sure how a rotisserie chicken ignited my inspiration. I’m relieved it happened.”
Despite being single, Ms. Smothers has decided to break from dating until peace is achieved.
Nevertheless, some criticize her actions. Leslie’s closest friend, Damien Cauldron, had a more practical perspective on her decision.
“Listen, it’s no secret that people are pretty torn up about the situation over there, but let’s not forget that numerous horrific conflicts are happening all over the globe at any given time. This feels like a repetitive recording playing in her mind, perhaps influenced by excessive television consumption. However, I am eager to provide her with any assistance she may require. And if that means no oral pleasure, then that’s how it will be.”
As for Ms. Smothers, she’s in for the long haul.
“I have other things up my sleeves if this doesn’t end the conflict,” she continued. “I plan on changing all the WiFi passwords to peace slogans, organizing a Disco dance for Palestine, and if that doesn’t work, I will hold a pie-eating contest for peace. That should do it.”
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