Oregon House, CA — You know it’s coming to the end of the Christmas shopping season when you can’t find that unique gift for a friend or family member who’s involved in a cult. Oh sure, in the past, you’ve sent fruit baskets and other non-confrontational items. Heck, you even sent that stainless steel nail clipper set to your son, who you haven’t spoken to in over five years. You’re sure he needs them.
Well, as Christmas day approaches, we here at the Beacon know what it feels like to run out of ideas. Unfortunately, we ran out of good ideas over seven years ago and have resorted to stealing them from other publications. Nonetheless, we wanted to give you some great book gift ideas that your trapped friend or family member will appreciate.
Why Does my Leader Drive a Rolls Royce? And 27 Other Answers to Uncomfortable Questions
This seminal book by former Fellowship of Friends member Davis Johns answers many difficult questions many cult members have. We know you’ve tried to ask them before, but that just meant another eight service hours strapped onto your already 12-hour workday picking winery grapes.
Some other questions Mr. Johns asks include, “What to say if your guru says anal sex isn’t sex?” and the provocative, “When is the right time to ask if you can call your children?”
The Felon’s Guide to Choosing the Right Cult for You (and avoiding police custody)
So you’re running from the law? Who hasn’t? In the Felon’s Guide, author Murad Naser talks about his journey from his 1st-degree murder in Philadelphia to a Northern California commune/cult where he hid for over four years before the FBI found him.
Although he is serving multiple life sentences in San Quentin, you’ll find his tips on avoiding law enforcement valuable.
15 Medications That Will Convince Yourself You’re Not in a Cult
OK, let’s be honest. All this hard work is not making you anymore “woke” as your guru promised five years ago.
15 Medications is a short book, a novella really, which will help you pick out the right meds to forget that you ever made this horrible decision.
How To Talk to Your Guru About Sexual Assault
Here’s a book about a tricky topic. After three years of “super love” you’ve received from your brothers and sisters in your cult, your guru wants to have sex with you. Yeah, we know, you’ve sworn a celibacy vow. But all the leaders tell you you have to submit to your guru for spiritual cleansing.
How To Talk to Your Guru About Sexual Assault is an essential handbook for discussing a touchy and potentially dangerous topic with your divine leader. Sure he’ll tell you he’s an angel trapped in a human body and that he’s second only to Jesus Christ in holiness, but don’t let that stop you from asking the tough questions. This book will help.
Practical Fascist Blogging, By George Rebane
From the publisher: This one is more of a cry for help. If you feel that no one is taking you seriously, nothing beats starting a blog focused on made-up right-wing fantasies supported by obscure and unrelated math. In this important and ground-breaking “how-to” book, Mr. Rebane documents the essential techniques of alienating your community while pretending to be an upstanding white man Christian.
In the spirit of other fascist family classics like How to Dominate “The Blacks” and Mein Kampf, Mr. Rebane explores the delights of “Internet Bomb Throwing” and how you can use it to make yourself an isolated monster that would make Herman Melville blush.
A Field Guide to Recruiting and Raping Young Cult Members
This book is undoubtedly one your cult friend/family member will want to “re-gift” for their guru! In this book, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein documents his time-honored techniques on attracting young people and raping them. In addition, there is a whole chapter dedicated to luring young, lost men and using them to fulfill your latent homosexual desires—a must for anyone with a narcissistic personality disorder.
David Avocado Wolfe 2022 Chocolate Octave Calendar
Although not technically a book, the David Avocado Wolfe 2022 Chocolate Octave Calendar has over 12 months of spectacular photos of your favorite anti-gravity expert David Avocado Wolfe! Each month features our hero doing something with cacao. For example, in March, you’ll find David showing you how to shove cacao seeds up your ass. Don’t look too close! And in June, you’ll find him defending his luxurious Hawaii estate from “negative-vibe shill invaders” with his own, patented “cacao seed” gun.
All items are available on Amazon.