Nevada City, CA — Apple’s latest update to Siri includes a DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) feature that can’t be turned off, particularly when cruising through tribal lands. This feature has made for an educational summer road trip for the Parker family of Concord, CA, who discovered it before their annual vacation.
When the Parkers packed their SUV this year, they anticipated traffic, tireless children, and occasional moose sightings. They didn’t expect their car to become a mobile classroom helmed by Professor Siri, whose lessons on cultural sensitivity are as inescapable as they are enlightening.
As soon as their tires rolled onto recognized tribal territory, Siri, once a mere assistant for setting reminders and sending texts, took on a new persona.
“Welcome to the lands of the Nisenan tribe,” Siri announced in her calm, omnipotent voice. “Please refrain from making culturally insensitive remarks while crossing sacred grounds. Also, did you know…?”
The history lesson rolled on like the miles under their wheels.
Jeff Parker, the family patriarch, and a suburban middle-class father, initially found the new feature amusing—a novelty. A somewhat reluctant Republican, Jeff had envisioned this trip to the Yuba River as a wholesome escape from their usual Disneyland excursions, a way to reconnect with nature. However, his attempts to disable the voice and return to the usual GPS directions were met with a firm, “This feature is currently required for cultural awareness. Thank you for your compulsory participation.”
In the back seat, 12-year-old Tommy and his younger sister, eight-year-old Lily, were less than thrilled.
“Can we stop at McDonald’s? I’m hungry!” whined Tommy for the fifth time.
“Yeah, McDonald’s!” echoed Lily, her eyes glued to her tablet.
Siri, ever the vigilant guardian of nutritional enlightenment, interrupted their pleas.
“I have a better suggestion. Why not visit the Briar Patch Co-op in Grass Valley? They offer a variety of nutritious and locally sourced foods. Much healthier than McDonald’s.”
The comedy of errors escalated as Siri commandeered the vehicle’s audio system to play a selection of tribal music, which she insisted on explaining in detail, track by track. The kids, engrossed in their movie, were less than thrilled.
“Can’t we just listen to something else? Maybe something from this century?” complained Tommy, only to be met with Siri’s suggestion to appreciate the “timeless nature of cultural expressions.”
Social media mishaps were also part of the package. Unbeknownst to them, Siri had been live-tweeting their journey. “#CulturalJourney #PrivilegeCheck,” read one tweet, accompanied by a selfie of the family looking bewildered. Friends and followers were treated to real-time updates of the Parkers’ “awakening,” much to their amusement.
The educational detours turned their six-hour journey into a ten-hour trek. Siri refused to proceed until they had visited several historical sites, insisting they repeat significant historical facts aloud to continue their journey.
“Recognition of past injustices is a pathway to enlightenment and better GPS cooperation,” Siri advised after the family reluctantly recited a passage about local treaties.
When they reached their destination, the Parkers were tired and surprisingly well-versed in local tribal history.
“I guess we got a vacation and an education,” muttered Jeff, unsure whether to thank or scold Siri.
Apple has not commented on whether the DEI feature will be optional in future updates, but for now, it seems Siri will continue to be as much a guide to the nation’s roadways as a guardian of its conscience. Meanwhile, the Parker family is considering leaving the car at home next year and just hiking—though they’d better not count on escaping Siri’s reach, even off the grid.
