Nevada City, CA — In the latest move to keep their workforce safe—or as safe as anyone can be in America’s wild west of gun violence—local businesses in Nevada City are rolling out Remote Active Shooter Training for employees working from home. Because when bullets start flying, even your cat and houseplants won’t save you.
This groundbreaking safety initiative is a bold response to the increasing overlap of work-from-home culture and freedom’s trigger-happy celebration. Whether you’re tucked behind your IKEA desk or pacing around your 100-square-foot overpriced downtown loft, you’re never truly safe from the American reality where bullets don’t care if you’re on mute during your Zoom stand-up.
Naturally, this was all kicked off by a recent HR memo sent to employees at GreenTree Marketing Solutions, one of Nevada City’s most prized remote-work-friendly tech firms. The “Maintaining Safety While Balancing Deliverables” memo was about as warmly received as a swarm of yellow jackets at a county fair. HR director Becky “Never Misses a Webinar” Dawson assured workers that this was all “for their protection,” citing America’s recent shift toward freedom in the form of bulletproofing one’s office.
“While working from the comfort of your home, it’s important to maintain vigilance,” said Dawson in a calm, almost robotic voice that suggested she, too, may have been a victim of over-automation. “After all, while your commute has been reduced to the distance between your bed and the kitchen, the risk of gun violence still lurks just beyond your Ring doorbell.”
Zoom Bombs Meet Firearms: Safety First, Even at Home
Of course, not everyone took the news so well. Peter ‘Sourdough’ McMillen, a local entrepreneur who successfully pivoted his sourdough bread subscription box service into a six-figure business during the pandemic, was none too pleased to learn that his home office would now need to include bulletproofing.
“I thought my biggest threat working from home was accidentally over-proofing my dough, but apparently, now I need to proof my windows, too?” McMillen said while gesturing toward his bread-baking setup, flanked by his tactical vest. “Is this how Jeff Bezos feels?”
The new protocols outline several key survival tactics that apply even to the home office:
- Step 1: If gunfire is heard, immediately turn off your webcam to avoid scaring your coworkers.
- Step 2: Use any available home furniture as cover—desks, standing desks, bean bags—anything that can slow down freedom.
- Step 3: While hiding under your ergonomic chair, maintain professionalism by muting your mic. Screaming is strictly forbidden unless cleared by your supervisor.
One GreenTree employee, who spoke under anonymity (because you never know), noted, “I knew remote work would cut down on my commute and increase my productivity. I didn’t realize it would mean investing in Kevlar curtains and bulletproof cat litter boxes.”
Survival Development Is the New Professional Development
HR training now includes “Crisis Crouching for Zoom Professionals.” It even offers tutorials on how to make your virtual background look like you’re working, even when you’re actually lying flat on your floor, using your Roomba as a cover.
But let’s not forget that this dystopian work-from-home scenario isn’t just for laughs. In light of recent events, like the tragic shooting at Apalachee High School in Georgia, this new training seems more like a grim inevitability than a joke. After all, it’s not just remote workers who need to be ready to dodge bullets; kids in classrooms across the nation are learning to treat gunfire like a pop quiz. And that’s where Nevada City’s sharp cynicism turns into something more cutting.
“I get that we have to adjust to these times,” said Sarah ‘The Activist’ Delacroix, who splits her time between local political organizing and running a ‘conscious wine-tasting’ subscription service. “But does it bother anyone else that the solution to gun violence is always more guns and never, like, fewer of them? Or is that just me and my hemp-wrapped wine bottles talking?”
America: Where the Work-Life Balance Includes Bullet Dodging
If remote workers are now being trained to duck and cover during their morning strategy meetings, it’s hard to imagine where it all ends. After all, this is Nevada City, where “freedom” is just as likely to come at you in the form of artisanal kombucha as it is in the shape of a high-caliber weapon.
Take, for example, Greg “Pinecone Guy” Martin, who became Nevada City’s folk hero after wandering the streets armed only with pinecones during the 2022 California gun law protests. “I don’t get it,” Greg mused. “If I have to train for an active shooter while working from home, does that mean I’m allowed to defend myself with a pinecone launcher on Zoom?”
The International Perspective
And just when you thought this couldn’t get more bizarre, let’s compare this to what’s happening elsewhere. Over in Sweden, remote workers are facing the terrifying prospect of bad Wi-Fi connections, while here in America, we’re casually conducting tactical desk positioning drills to avoid AR-15s. Meanwhile, GreenTree HR suggests employees invest in remote work survival kits—complete with bulletproof laptop cases and emergency decaf.
The Inevitable End: Safety Drills as the New Normal
As we conclude this deep dive into Nevada City’s new office survival culture, we leave you with the most telling sign of the times: Zoom is reportedly beta-testing an “Active Shooter Survival” plugin because nothing says cutting-edge tech like an app that helps you locate the nearest bulletproof exit.
While the rest of the world is busy fussing over climate change or healthcare, here in the good ol’ US of A, we’ve accepted that the real enemy is our inability to maintain workplace safety—no matter where the office is.
So next time you get a friendly reminder from HR to update your email signature, don’t forget to ask them where you can pick up your bulletproof dry-erase board. After all, in a world where school kids and remote workers alike are trained to survive a war zone, what else can you do but laugh, cry, and check that your cat isn’t blocking your escape route?
