Nevada County, CA — In a shocking twist that may have you reconsidering your “apocalypse-proof” pantry, a 2-year study conducted by the Rundex Family Foundation and funded by Nevada City’s Worm Casing Research Institute has found that prolonged exposure to wifi signals—and, in some cases, cell phone towers—could spoil your hard-earned stash of survival food. Yes, even your cherished cans of Spam and 5-gallon buckets of dehydrated potatoes from Walmart are under attack, not from mutant zombies or foreign invaders, but from your wifi router.
“Well, the data doesn’t lie,” said lead researcher Robert Colvin, speaking from his new office in a rented van outside Mountain View, CA. “People who store food in preparation for a societal collapse might find their supplies ruined by electromagnetic radiation from what we used to think were harmless sources, like your home wifi router and that cell tower next to the ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ flag.”
This $1.3 million study, partly funded by the now-defunct Worm Casing Research Institute and the obscure Berkeley, CA-based People Against Wireless Invasion (PAWI), discovered that prolonged exposure to common radio waves makes canned food deteriorate, leaving the inside “irradiated” and ultimately causing spoilage. And just when you thought BPA-laced plastic buckets would save you, the study found that plastic containers release dangerous levels of Bisphenol when exposed to even minor amounts of wifi radiation, contaminating your end-of-days casserole with more than just disappointment.
“They’re gonna be boiling bark and eating grass like the rest of us,” chuckled Mr. Colvin, hinting that no prepper is genuinely safe from electromagnetic doom. His tone was cavalier, perhaps a little too much so this report is bound to stir up for someone hoping to dodge the wave of irate AM radio callers.
Local Preppers Are Already Prepared… Kind Of
Not all hope is lost, though, if you’re Graniteville’s very own William “Bill” Tozer. A veteran of the prepping world, Bill has been ready since the days when “Y2K” sent folks scrambling to bury their floppy disks in the backyard.
“After my wife left me in ’98, I started building my bunker,” said a scrappy, visibly unshowered Mr. Tozer. “My bunker is completely sealed. Ain’t no wifi, no bears, no Democrats getting in there. I gots it all figured out no matter what happens.”
Mr. Tozer grew visibly agitated when asked to tour his facility.
“I think it’s time for you to go,” he said, squinting suspiciously at the journalist. “The last guy who tried snooping around here? Well, he waddled out of here with my rifle pointed at his back. Took him 45 minutes to get to his truck, and trust me, I timed it.”
Even the Politicians Are Worried… Or Not?
The study’s implications have sparked fear across both sides of the political spectrum.
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene was quick to react, stating, “This is what happens when you let Bill Gates control the wifi. First, they came for our groceries, now they’re coming for our survival food. It’s all part of the deep state’s 5G mind-control agenda, designed to weaken patriots!”
Meanwhile, former President Donald Trump weighed in with his usual level of gravitas, posting on Truth Social: “Wifi? No one knows more about wifi than I do, OK? Great people, the best waves. But we have to watch out, they could be the biggest threat to your food supply, bigger than Rosie O’Donnell! Sad!”
Clearly, the internet—and its waves—have more power than we ever realized. The Rundex study team plans to do a follow-up investigation later this year on whether community radio station antennas (like the ones blasting late-night Grateful Dead hour in Nevada City) are also secretly ruining your organic freeze-dried tofu.
