Trump Promises to Reduce California Gasoline Prices by Dumping Fuel Onto Highways

Washington, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has announced his latest, tremendously well-thought-out plan to tackle California’s sky-high gas prices: dumping millions of gallons of fuel directly onto the state’s major highways.

Speaking from the Oval Office, flanked by a gilded map of the U.S. and a Diet Coke dispenser, Trump assured the American people that this would be “a beautiful solution, never been done before, totally safe; people are saying it’s the best idea they’ve ever heard.”

This announcement follows closely on the heels of his last big California-focused stunt—the highly controversial and utterly pointless release of 2.2 billion gallons of water from state reservoirs, a move that was meant to help Southern California but instead left officials scrambling to prevent flooding while farmers just stared at their now-dry summer reserves in quiet horror.

Now, fresh off wasting one precious natural resource, Trump has set his sights on another.

The MAGA Pipeline: No Refineries, No Rules, No Problem

As with most Trump initiatives, details are murky, but administration sources say the operation—dubbed the “MAGA Pipeline”—will involve “controlled and very elegant” releases of fuel on I-5, the 405, and Highway 101. This, Trump explained, will “fix the gas price problem overnight” by giving Californians “direct access to the fuel supply, straight from the road.”

“You know, people always say they hate the middleman. They say, ‘Sir, the middleman, he’s a disaster, a total disaster!’ So we’re cutting out the middleman. No more refineries, no more price gouging, no more gas stations!”

When a reporter asked if he had consulted literally any industry experts, Trump waved the question off.

“We’re doing it in two weeks, maybe sooner—nobody knows. But trust me, folks, the oil companies love it. I talked to the best ones. Maybe not all of them, but the best ones. And they love it.”

From Fire Prevention to Fire Encouragement

The proposal has left California officials, firefighters, and anyone who’s ever lit a match in their life in a state of full-blown panic.

“He’s just… he’s just pouring gas on the road?” asked an exasperated Cal Fire spokesperson, who then immediately grabbed a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. “Is this… satire? It has to be satire, right? Oh God, it’s not satire, is it?”

Of course, Californians are no strangers to Trump’s “out-of-the-box” environmental policies. Back in 2018, he infamously claimed that raking the forest floor could have prevented the state’s historic wildfires. Now, he’s upping the ante—instead of preventing fires, he’s actively creating the conditions for an inferno the size of Nevada.

Asked whether he had any concerns about the high probability of catastrophic explosions, Trump was dismissive.

“You know, people like fire! It’s warm! You ever been cold? Terrible! Awful! So we’re keeping people warm, and we’re saving money! It’s a win-win, folks.”

At this point, California firefighters just started openly weeping.

Musk Jumps In, Because Of Course He Does

As California braced for impact, billionaire chaos agent Elon Musk saw a golden opportunity. Within hours of the announcement, Tesla pivoted its entire marketing strategy to unveil the “Flameproof Cybertruck,” a fire-resistant vehicle that Musk claims was “designed exactly for this scenario.”

“We expected this,” Musk cryptically posted on X (formerly Twitter). “The truck was built for a world where everything is burning.”

Tesla stock immediately skyrocketed by 400%.

Trump Assures Plan Will Happen “Very Soon”

Despite the widespread panic, logistical impossibilities, and basic laws of physics working against him, Trump remained vague yet confident about the rollout timeline.

“It’s happening very soon, in two weeks, maybe sooner. Maybe faster! Could be tomorrow. Some say it’s already happening.”

This was immediately contradicted by every official with access to basic infrastructure knowledge, but at this point, reality and Trump’s statements have fully divorced.

Meanwhile, insurance companies, fire departments, and anyone in possession of a functioning prefrontal cortex are preparing for what can only be described as “the worst idea since giving this man a microphone in the first place.”

Local Reaction

Here in Nevada County, where logic and preparedness are optional, local reactions were mixed.

Jim “Red Dog” Calus, a Grass Valley mechanic and occasional town philosopher, whether you want to hear it or not, weighed in after a long, reflective sip of Coors Light.

“Yeah, this is about right,” he muttered. “Guess I’ll be charging hazard pay for tire changes now.”

Meanwhile, over in Nevada City, reactions were predictably more expressive.

Local conspiracy theorist and amateur doomsday prepper Brian Wilson took to Instagram Live to declare that “Big Oil has been planning this since Atlantis fell,” adding that “Trump is just another pawn in the Great Petrol Awakening.”

Asked for further clarification, he lit a bundle of sage on fire and disappeared into the woods up top the top of Sugarloaf Mountain.

So while California emergency teams prepare for impact, residents brace for an all-new definition of “fire season.”

And the rest of the country? Left watching in stunned silence, wondering if this is a nightmare or just… another Tuesday?

The answer? It doesn’t matter anymore.

At this point, the best we can do is invest in fireproof boots and pretend this isn’t our reality.