Nevada City, CA — Despite receiving over $3 million in PPP funds in 2020, The Broad Street Beacon has announced that it will be closing its doors for good, citing the overwhelming burden of the Affordable Care Act—along with other local factors (we’ll get to those)—as the final nail in the coffin.
Veteran editor and journalist Randall Finkelstein, who has been at the helm of this legendary 27-year Nevada County institution, remained stoic about the shutdown.
“We’ve been hanging on by a thread for a while now,” Finkelstein admitted. “But when businesses are dropping like flies around here, at least we’re in good company.”
When asked to clarify what specifically led to the Beacon’s closure, Finkelstein laid the blame where it “rightfully” belongs—at the feet of former President Obama, Bigfoot, and Joe Biden’s latest haircut.
“It all started with Obamacare,” Finkelstein explained. “We were recovering from that unfortunate soda pop CO2 canister incident—you know, the one that totaled Loretta Splitair’s 1972 Ford Pinto while she was fueling up at the Taco Shell. But even that disaster was manageable. It’s providing healthcare under Obamacare that finally did us in.”
Locals Weigh In: Theories Abound
Naturally, the news of the Beacon’s closure has ignited a firestorm of speculation on social media, particularly in local Facebook groups where facts are…optional.
“Well, what do you expect when you vote for Biden?” posted armchair economist Canton Billings in the Nevada County Peeps Facebook Group, somehow connecting the Beacon’s dwindling print sales to a presidential election.
Another, more cryptid-savvy commentator chimed in.
“Ever since Bigfoot stopped shopping local, the economy’s been tanking. Coincidence? I think not.”
And, of course, no local discussion is complete without a chemtrail theorist.
“It’s all those chemtrails over Brunswick Basin. Messes with your appetite. No wonder these restaurants are closing.”
PPP Hypocrisy and the Real Reasons for Closure
While Finkelstein was quick to blame Obamacare, critics—both real and imagined—point out that if local businesses spent as much time adapting to modern challenges as they did blaming mythical creatures or federal policies, they might still be around today.
“Sure, we took in over $3 million in PPP loans, but that barely covered the editor’s espresso habit,” Finkelstein quipped, brushing aside the details. “What really killed us was having to provide healthcare.”
Despite the claims, the real story might have something to do with poor management, an outdated business model, and a local economy in flux. But until then, the Beacon will keep blaming Bigfoot—just like everyone else.
