Nevada City, CA — Global pop sensation Taylor Swift is set to perform a surprise one-night show at the Nevada City Miners Foundry on Saturday. Known for selling out stadiums worldwide, she will be serenading a few hundred lucky locals in a venue that usually hosts ukulele enthusiasts and those occasional weird interpretive dance shows.
The reason for this bizarre yet brilliant event? Turns out, Taylor has an older cousin, Martha “Marty” Swift, who lives on Cottage Street and has a penchant for local politics. Marty, a lifelong resident of Nevada City and an active member of the Nevada County Democrats, somehow convinced her superstar cousin to drop by and raise some funds for the party. Because apparently, when Taylor Swift isn’t busy rewriting the rules of the music industry, she’s supporting her cousin’s grassroots political efforts. Who knew?
Swifties in Nevada City: “It’s a Dream Come True!”
Local Swifties are, predictably, losing their minds. Rachel Thompson, a Nevada City native and proud owner of no less than 14 Taylor Swift t-shirts, said, “I never thought in a million years I’d get to see Taylor Swift perform in Nevada City! I’ve been practicing my scream-singing for days. My neighbors are ready to call the cops, but I don’t care—I’m going to be front row and center!”
Another fan, Timmy Anderson, 16, expressed his excitement through the medium of glitter: “I’ve been making friendship bracelets non-stop since I heard the news! I even skipped my AP History homework to prepare for this. I mean, this is Taylor freaking Swift—who cares about the French Revolution when I’m about to experience the Swift Revolution right here?”
The local excitement is palpable, with teens and twenty-somethings dusting off their vintage Polaroids, getting their outfits just right, and preparing to stand in line for hours just to catch a glimpse of Taylor and scream along to every word of “Shake It Off.”
The Nevada County Republicans: “She’s Bringing the Deep State to Nevada City!”
While the Swifties are busy bedazzling their cowboy boots, the Nevada County Republicans are having a meltdown of epic proportions. The local GOP is convinced that Taylor’s visit is nothing more than a covert operation by the liberal elite to brainwash the good, God-fearing citizens of Nevada County.
“We all know Taylor Swift is just a puppet of the Deep State,” grumbled Bob “Buzz” Henderson, a local GOP stalwart who’s been wearing the same ‘Reagan/Bush ’84’ hat since, well, 1984. “She’s coming here to spread her liberal agenda and corrupt our youth. First it’s concerts, next thing you know, she’ll have our kids singing about universal healthcare and climate change!”
To express their displeasure, the local Republicans have planned a protest outside the Foundry, though it’s unclear if anyone under the age of 50 will actually be attending. Rumor has it they’re having trouble organizing the protest because every time someone suggests marching, a chorus of grumbles about bad knees, hips, and that damn sciatic nerve erupts. Not to mention the unintended (but hilarious) symphony of accidental flatulence that seems to accompany every step they take. Let’s just say their protest will have more noise than substance, and not in the way they’re hoping.
The Battle for Nevada City: Glitter vs. Gas
As the big night approaches, Nevada City is gearing up for what promises to be a showdown between the Swifties and the, well, Swift-averse. The Foundry is bracing for an influx of glitter, homemade signs, and possibly a few inflatable unicorns, while the Republicans are undoubtedly polishing their protest signs and tightening their suspenders.
One thing’s for sure: this concert is set to be the most exciting thing to happen in Nevada City since that one time someone claimed they saw Bigfoot buying kombucha at the co-op. Whether you’re Team Taylor or Team I’ve-Got-Gas, the night will be one for the history books—or at least, for the next town council meeting’s gossip session.
So, grab your earplugs or your sequins, depending on which side you’re on, because Taylor Swift is coming to town, and she’s bringing a whole lot of noise—both from the stage and the crowd. As for those protesting outside? Well, they’ll be making their own kind of music, whether they intend to or not.
