Grass Valley, CA — In the aftermath of the most cataclysmic and apocalyptic snowstorm ever witnessed in Nevada County, Waste Management urgently implored residents not to put out gigantic, monstrous downed trees for green pick-up days this past weekend. With countless colossal trees sprawled across private property and roads like sleeping giants, officials insist there’s absolutely no chance recycling trucks could accommodate such a massive influx of material.
Overwhelmed by a tsunami of frantic phone calls, Waste Management hastily published a press release broadcast on every local radio station, billboard, and even skywriting.
“We empathize with our customers’ desperation to rid their properties of the veritable forests of tree debris. And while we do provide green waste services, it is utterly impossible for us to remove such gargantuan and seemingly otherworldly organic waste. Some of these trees weigh as much as entire mountains, even if hacked into sections. We simply cannot remove them. Hence, we beseech all Nevada County residents to seek alternative removal services.
In spite of the dire warning, many residents embarked on a futile quest to disguise their downed trees with an abundance of Christmas decorations.
“I attempted to transform my colossal 90-foot oak into a Christmas tree. It was an arduous, Herculean task that consumed my entire Saturday as I dangled tinsel and ornaments from its enormous limbs,” lamented Rhode Island Street resident Daryl Doogie. “But my efforts were fruitless, as Waste Management was not beguiled. They merely honked and sped away, leaving me with hundreds of decorations that neighborhood cats have now absconded with. What a disaster.”
In a heartfelt plea, Waste Management spokesperson Bethany Millbright implored customers not to put other absurdly large and overbearing items out for pickup: “Please, for the love of sanity, do not place dismantled airplanes, pieces of roller coasters, or even the remains of your great-great-grandfather’s shipwreck out for collection. Our trucks are already bursting at the seams.”
County officials sternly advised against any further attempts to deceive Waste Management, suggesting instead that residents process the trees for next year’s firewood. They also cautioned against imploring divine intervention to solve their tree-related woes.
“In these trying times, your most reliable ally is a mighty chainsaw,” said Millbright. “If you don’t have a chainsaw, befriend someone who does. If you lack friends, acquire a loyal canine companion.”