Nevada County, CA – Authorities confirmed that a man found deceased beneath the towering Foresthill Bridge was, in fact, from Santa Rosa. The Santa Rosa man found under the bridge hailed from–Santa Rosa. The same intrepid journalism that once covered local geese acting suspiciously like geese brought you news of this ground-breaking discovery.
Placer County officials disclosed this detail during a routine press conference where they struggled to find anything remotely newsworthy to say. The spokesperson, visibly relieved to have any tidbit to offer, announced, “The man discovered under Foresthill Bridge has been identified as being from Santa Rosa.” Reporters, ever hungry for the slightest whiff of intrigue, nodded gravely as if presented with a state secret.
Local freelance journalist, Maxine Pinter, whose Twitter bio reads, “Beats: Coffee shop reviews, neighborhood watch drama, and headlines so obvious they might be jokes,” took to social media to share her dismay: “BREAKING: Local fish discovered in river was wet.”
Residents of Santa Rosa, when informed of the headline, expressed varying degrees of confusion.
“Wait, so he was from here?” asked Bill Rundle, a retired mail carrier who’s seen more exciting news unfold in the checkout line at the supermarket. “I thought maybe he was from Nevada City, you know, since everyone up there seems to be wherever they’re not supposed to be.”
Foresthill locals, who are known for their unbothered attitude toward the bridge’s strange and storied history, remained predictably nonchalant.
“Another news day, another bridge story,” sighed Cliff ‘Cliffy’ Henderson, who runs the town’s only gas station and folklore gift shop. “This one’s a bit of a yawn, though. No mattresses, no parachutes, not even a homeless guy yelling ‘incoming!’ Disappointing, really.”
To explore deeper into the phenomenon, experts were consulted about the frequent, if absurd, reporting of details that everyone could’ve guessed. “It’s called a slow news cycle,” explained Dr. Ellen Myers, professor of Media Studies at the University of California, Sacramento.
“Sometimes, you’ve got 24 hours to fill and only 3 hours’ worth of actual news. That’s when you start seeing stories like ‘Man Confirmed Alive After Breathing Oxygen.’”
Meanwhile, Santa Rosa authorities have issued an official statement reminding citizens that, should anything noteworthy happen, rest assured, local headlines will break it to them with unparalleled obviousness.
For now, Grass Valley and Nevada City residents will continue waiting for their moment in the spotlight—a moment, perhaps, when a man from one of those towns might be discovered doing something as astonishing as returning from where he came.
