Grass Valley, CA — In the latest chapter of BriarPatch COOP’s ongoing quest to blend local charm with unexpected infrastructure, the cooperative’s leadership has officially announced the green light for a roundabout smack in the middle of their notoriously chaotic parking lot. Fresh off the success of their parking lot expansion and installing over 680 high-performance solar panels—because, of course, saving the planet is a priority—the COOP is now turning its attention to European-inspired traffic solutions.
“We started with the region’s first local community market,” mused longtime BriarPatch employee Nathan Johnson, taking a breather outside the store, sipping on what appeared to be an organic kombucha. “Then we went full eco-warrior with the solar panels. Now, we’re adding a roundabout. It’s like we’re taking our parking lot on a study abroad trip to Europe.”
The BriarPatch parking lot, already infamous for its eccentric hillside location and patrons’ apparent inability to follow basic vehicular guidelines, remains a point of contention among shoppers.
“It’s like driving through a labyrinth of existential dread,” said Janet Williams, a professional shopper from Cedar Ridge who’s practically on a first-name basis with the parking attendants. “Half the time, people in that parking lot look like they just finished a three-day yoga retreat and have no idea what a stop sign is. I love the COOP, but navigating that lot is like participating in a bizarre social experiment. I’m crossing my fingers that this roundabout will restore some sanity.”
However, not everyone is thrilled about this new addition to the parking lot’s landscape.
“I don’t trust those circular death traps,” declared a skeptical Mary Shilling from Penn Valley. “They’re like a speedway for people who already don’t know how to drive. Now they’re putting one in at the BriarPatch? I’d rather take my chances at Costco—at least I know I’ll be stuck in a straightforward line of gridlock.”
Designed by Bent & Bent and Wentworth, LLC, a Roseville-based firm that apparently specializes in frustrating suburban drivers, the roundabout promises to be a modest yet charming addition to the COOP’s parking lot. The center will feature a deer-proof garden, a nod to the local wildlife that will undoubtedly ignore it, and a stone structure that serves no real purpose other than to be admired at a slow roll. Completion is expected by late summer, just in time for fall harvest shoppers to test their mettle.
BriarPatch regulars are advised to prepare for delays, detours, and an influx of drivers who suddenly forget how to operate a vehicle—again.
