Editor’s Note: Our elusive health correspondent Loretta Splitair emerges from hiding, possibly a bunker, possibly a bar, to deliver yet another dangerously sarcastic take on America’s latest public health fiasco.
Austin, TX — If you thought the anti-vaccine movement had already taken us to the outer limits of medical absurdity, think again. Because today I bring you breaking news from the Lone Star State, where a certain former independent presidential candidate and current HHS Secretary has come up with a bold new strategy for handling the growing measles outbreak.
And no, it’s not vaccination. That would be too easy. Too effective.
Instead, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the tireless crusader against modern medicine and a man who sounds like he gargles gravel for fun, is proposing something far more innovative. His solution? A statewide, Texas-sized Measles Party.
A Measles Party. As in: Gather the kids, swap some germs, and let nature run its course. Because nothing says “sound public health policy” like intentionally exposing children to a disease that was, until recently, considered eradicated.
Kennedy, standing in front of a Houston Whole Foods, announced his grand vision for Texas, claiming that before Big Pharma came along, we used to solve measles outbreaks “naturally” through community-driven exposure. A plan so brilliant, so cutting-edge, that it was last attempted in… the Dark Ages.
Now, let’s check in with the actual scientists, who, shockingly, do not think this is a good idea. The Texas Department of State Health Services, which is currently tracking over 120 cases of measles and counting, issued a rather blunt statement in response: “This is a terrible idea. Please do not do this.”
And yet, because this is Texas, and because no bad idea ever truly dies in American politics, some officials are actually entertaining this nonsense. Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick, who continues to be confused by even the simplest of public health concepts, said he’s open to the plan because, and I quote, “I haven’t gotten measles myself, so I don’t know how bad it really is.”
That’s like saying, “I’ve never been hit by a truck, so I don’t know how dangerous traffic is.”
Meanwhile, some Texans are already embracing the idea with themed Measles & Margaritas block parties, where vaccine skepticism meets Tex-Mex and where the only immunity being boosted is the one from basic critical thinking.
And before you ask, no, Kennedy himself won’t be attending one of these events. Because, as he put it, “I mean, let’s not get crazy here. I’m pro immunity, but I’m also, you know, busy.”
Of course he is.
