Redding, CA — Local residents were treated to an unexpected return from beyond the grave this past weekend, as Redding’s infamous former killer Pete “Lazarus” Trevino briefly emerged from the afterlife, only to quickly confirm, “Nah, I’m still dead,” before stumbling back to his grave.
In what authorities are now calling “the latest in a string of Bethel Church publicity mishaps,” a team of Bethel youth group members, known locally as the Flock Doxers, attempted to raise Trevino from the dead following a viral TikTok challenge. A local “Redding Skeptics” account posted a TikTok daring them to “show some real faith” and “bring back someone edgy, not just Grandpa.”
One thing is still certain: Trevino’s as gay as ever.
Faith & TikTok Collide in the Cemetery
A core team of fifteen Flock Doxers arrived at St. Joseph’s Cemetery just before dawn on Saturday, armed with flashlights, fervent prayers, and possibly some stolen Starbucks pumpkin scones. Team leader Keegan Wildwell, 18, admitted they could’ve planned things out a bit better. “We should’ve considered someone less…you know…murdery,” said Wildwell, nervously sipping from his church-branded water bottle. “But we were, like, super stoked to prove ourselves to the TikTok atheists.”
According to sources, the Flock Doxers spent five hours chanting over Pete Trevino’s grave, swapping between speaking in tongues and arguing over who accidentally bought decaf. Keegan recounts, “Our arms got tired, so some of us started, like, clapping or slapping the tombstone. I think that’s when it worked.”
Just as they were about to call it quits and chalk it up to God “testing their faith,” the ground began to rumble. “It was terrifying, but also, like, super legit, you know?” said 16-year-old Jenna “Jay-Jay” McRaven. “There was moaning, and the dirt started shifting, and next thing we know, here comes Pete, looking… well, let’s just say no one’s resurrecting that guy’s hairline.”
Lazarus 2.0
In true Lazarus fashion, the first thing Trevino did upon his reanimation was demand a cigarette and question everyone’s outfit choices. “I told ‘em it looked like they robbed an REI,” he later explained, admitting he had no idea how much time had passed. Though he initially went along with his new “life,” Trevino was quick to clarify that, spiritually, he’s “absolutely still dead.”
In the spirit of reinvention, Trevino took on a second new name, announcing, “Call me Lazzy T. Lazarus Trevino was last season.” He tried to fit back into society, accepting a brief role as a “spiritual consultant” for Bethel’s TikTok outreach team before allegedly being caught smoking incense and roasting the youth group for “being too clean-cut for their own good.” Bethel has since released a statement distancing themselves from Lazzy T, urging people to pray for him “from a healthy distance.”
Lazzy T’s tenure at a local Quickie Mart was brief but memorable. After a mere two shifts, he was unceremoniously dismissed for allegedly hawking vape pens at a discount in exchange for “spiritual consultations.” His manager, who asked to remain anonymous, shared: “I don’t care what Bethel says—this guy was not a gift from God. He claimed he’d only work night shifts because daylight made him ‘itchy.’”
The Flock Doxers Reflect
Following the incident, the Flock Doxers reportedly changed their social media policies and are now forbidding any requests for resurrection unless they have official approval from someone over the age of 30 and employed by Bethel. “I mean, it was amazing,” said Keegan, “but next time we’ll stick to praying over, like, an old tree or something. Way safer.”
For now, Redding’s most famous undead resident remains in limbo, vowing to “stay dead as long as it pays the bills” and fielding offers from streaming services curious to tell his tale. As for the Flock Doxers, they’re expected to resume less dramatic missionary activities and possibly partner with an app to track future cemetery outings, complete with a “raise only in cases of emergency” disclaimer.
In the words of Lazzy T himself: “Bethel’s faith in me is flattering, but I can’t go working miracles at that pay grade.”
