Penn Valley, CA — Local resident and full-time Facebook philosopher Brock Whalen has announced his plans to sue Brazil for what he’s calling a “blatant violation” of his First Amendment rights. Yes, his rights. Brock—known throughout Penn Valley as the guy who still hasn’t returned your lawnmower—insists that Brazil’s recent crackdown on Elon Musk’s social media platform X (formerly Twitter) is not just an affront to global free speech, but to his personal liberties.
“I don’t care what the mainstream media says,” Brock explained to his audience of three guys down at the Buckhorn Saloon, “the First Amendment is universal. It’s basically the Constitution for Earth. When Brazil blocks X, they’re really just blocking me. And you can’t do that. This is America. I mean, sort of. It’s the internet, but close enough.”
Brock, whose last high-profile legal battle was over the right to park his RV permanently in front of the Dollar General, now sees himself as a defender of global free speech—especially his own version of it, which includes reposting memes about government conspiracies and demanding the return of Crystal Pepsi. With the swagger of a man who once successfully challenged a parking ticket (or so he claims), Brock believes that his personal experience as a “patriot” has more than prepared him to take on the entire nation of Brazil.
“I’ve been silenced too many times, whether it’s by liberals at the Penn Valley BBQ or the HOA trying to shut down my fireworks stand,” Brock continued. “If Brazil thinks they can stop me from tweeting to my audience of 17 loyal followers, they’ve got another thing coming.”
The Fight for Global Freedom (From His Couch)
The legal crux of Brock’s argument is that Brazil’s enforcement of their own national laws somehow infringes on his constitutional right to free speech—a law that, according to Brock’s unique understanding of geography, applies everywhere. “It’s like Elon Musk said—free speech is a human right. If Brazil doesn’t like it, they can go back to making Nutella or whatever,” Brock asserted, possibly confusing Brazil with a different country. “I know my rights, and my First Amendment is global. Brazil should just Google it.”
Local legal experts (which, in Penn Valley, means anyone who’s watched more than one episode of Judge Judy) have expressed confusion over Brock’s bold interpretation of international law. But that hasn’t stopped Whalen from pressing forward with his case.
“It’s not just about me,” Brock explained with a dramatic flourish that almost spilled his Coors Light, “It’s about all Americans. When Brazil banned X, they didn’t just ban some fancy social media platform—they banned freedom. They banned us. And I won’t stand for it. Well, I’m sitting right now, but metaphorically, I won’t stand.”
Previous Battles for Justice
This isn’t the first time Brock has bravely taken a stand for what he calls “constitutional clarity.” In 2021, Brock famously launched a petition to “get the deep state out of Penn Valley,” though it remains unclear if he ever figured out what the deep state was or where it might be hiding (local rumor points to the Rotary Club). He also led a one-man boycott of local grocery store SPD when they refused to stock Tactical Bacon—because nothing says freedom quite like shelf-stable pork in a can.
Most recently, Brock took to X to declare himself a “sovereign patriot,” a title that, in his words, means “the government can’t tell me what to do, except, you know, if they really try.” This lawsuit against Brazil is merely the next step in Brock’s evolution from local nuisance to international figurehead in the fight for a version of free speech that is entirely his own.
Brazil Responds (But Probably Not to Brock)
Brazil, meanwhile, seems largely unaware of Whalen’s lawsuit, which Brock says is proof that they are “scared” of him. “Look, it’s classic deep state behavior,” Brock explained, despite using the term incorrectly again. “They think ignoring me is going to make me go away. Well, guess what? I’ve got time, I’ve got Wi-Fi, and I’ve got a cousin who took one semester of law at Sierra College. Brazil’s going down.”
While Brazil focuses on its ongoing legal and political battles with Elon Musk, Penn Valley waits with bated breath to see if Brock Whalen can successfully redefine the First Amendment as a global doctrine. In the meantime, Whalen has vowed to continue his crusade, as soon as his mom resets the Wi-Fi.
