(Video Report Below)
Palo Alto, CA — In what is being hailed as a “groundbreaking and somewhat perplexing revelation,” a new study from the Rundex Family Foundation has officially confirmed what ancient theologians, archeologists, and gastroenterologists have long debated: Jesus farted.
The study, titled “Divine Digestion: A Quantitative Analysis of the Son of God’s Gastrointestinal Output,” was underwritten by Divinity Beans, Inc., a Palo Alto-based startup specializing in biblically inspired, ethically sourced coffee beans designed to enhance one’s digestive enlightenment. Their CEO, a charismatic former tech bro turned spiritualist, stated the research, proclaiming:
“Through this divine understanding, we hope to bring the world closer to holy serenity… and better gut health. Introducing our newest product: ‘Heavenly Scents.'”
Rundex’s Chief Data Scientist Reluctantly Speaks
As with most groundbreaking Rundex revelations, this study was led by Robert Colvin, the Foundation’s Chief Data Scientist, who once again found himself thrust into the spotlight from his Mountain View home office. Colvin, known for his love of data, not drama, appeared on a Zoom press conference with his trademark dry demeanor and another muted virtual background of a palm tree.
“Well, the data doesn’t lie,” Colvin stated. “Jesus, like all humans, had a digestive system. Based on our simulations of 1st-century Mediterranean diets and our proprietary analysis of sacred texts, we’ve arrived at this inevitable conclusion. He farted. It’s just biology.”

When pressed about the potential theological implications of this, Colvin sighed audibly and adjusted his glasses. “Look, I’m not here to debate philosophy. I’m just here for the data.”
By The Numbers
The 87-page study thoroughly investigated ancient eating habits, dietary patterns, and early scriptural references to gastrointestinal events. According to the study, Jesus’ diet likely consisted of legumes, grains, and fish—foods known to produce, in Colvin’s words, “a modest but noticeable amount of gas.”
While the Rundex Family Foundation has yet to release the full dataset (currently locked behind a $19.99 paywall on Divinity Beans’ subscription app, “GutCheck™”), early figures suggest that Jesus experienced flatulence with a predictable frequency: roughly three to four times per day, or “one after each meal and possibly following a heartfelt parable.”

Visibly unmoved by the religious fervor the study has generated, Colvin dismissed any notion of sensationalism.
“In the end, it’s just gas. I don’t see why anyone’s making a big deal out of this.”
Corporate Tie-ins and The Divine Merch
However, a big deal is being made—especially by Divinity Beans, Inc. and other opportunistic corporations seeking to capitalize on the findings. Divinity Beans is already marketing a new line of religiously themed digestive aids, from “Savior Seltzer” (organic sparkling water said to “calm even the most troubled stomach”) to “Manna Melts” (touted as “holy-activated breath mints” for post-flatulent freshness).
In a related announcement, Tesla CEO Elon Musk is rumored to collaborate with Colvin on a new project called “TeslaAir”—a product line of eco-friendly air purifiers allegedly inspired by “the holy atmosphere” of the study.

“Look, people can do what they want with the data,” said Colvin when asked about these collaborations. “It’s not my job to commercialize it.”
Local Reaction: Outrage in Nevada City
Not everyone is thrilled with the study’s findings. In an unexpected twist, a group of citizens in Nevada City gathered on the steps of their downtown courthouse to protest what they call “blasphemous gaslighting by coastal elites.” Spokesperson and amateur conspiracy theorist Ted “T-Bone” Tuggle was quoted as saying, “This ain’t about farts. This is about them elites trying to control the narrative about the Lord’s bodily functions. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us the Burning Bush was just methane!”

Meanwhile, in Grass Valley, local entrepreneurs wasted no time. The Grass Valley Chamber of Commerce has already announced plans for a new “Heavenly Flatulence” tour that will visit local sites deemed “worthy of biblical digestion. “The highlight is the Old Miner’s Trail, where participants are invited to partake in ancient Mediterranean foods and “experience the divine winds themselves.”
Religious Groups Weigh In
Across the nation, some religious leaders are cautiously weighing in on the study. The Vatican, in a rare statement, acknowledged that while “all humans experience bodily functions,” they urge believers to focus more on “the message of love and forgiveness” rather than ancient flatulence.

Others are more enthusiastic. The First Church of Celestial Digesters, a minor denomination out of Southern California, is planning a celebratory event titled “The Great Wind” to honor what they call “the human side of the Son of God.” Church leaders insist that the event is family-friendly and will feature “fart-themed” foods, including the ever-popular “Holy Hummus.”
As for Colvin, he remains resolute in his belief that the study speaks for itself. “At the end of the day,” he said, packing up his research notes, “it’s just science. Whether people take that data to create artisanal coffee, religious rituals, or conspiracy theories is really out of my hands. The data doesn’t lie.”

Colvin then disconnected from the call, no doubt retreating back into the quiet confines of his home office, where data reigns supreme and the wind, as always, blows wherever it pleases.