Nevada City, CA — If you’re one of the rarest of breeds who enjoys driving through Nevada City, your good times are numbered. After years of delays, the City Council announced that their “Naturally Halted 2020” initiative—the one where they planned to litter every intersection with stop signs—will be fully implemented by the end of 2024. That’s right: no intersection, no matter how insignificant or utterly pointless, will be safe from the wrath of a shiny new red octagon by this Christmas. Just when you thought they forgot.
“I’d like to get this done by Christmas,” declared Councilmember Senum at last night’s council meeting with her usual flair for making you simultaneously admire and dread her enthusiasm. “Even though that’s a bullshit holiday that should really be renamed White Patriarchymas.”
The news wasn’t exactly shocking to locals who’ve already had to slam on the brakes at newly installed, seemingly random stop signs. “We’ve seen them crop up everywhere,” remarked one Cement Hill resident. “There’s those two on Nile Street, which, frankly, seem like someone was having a laugh. And the pair at West Broad and Spring? Let’s be real: has a single car ever actually come up Spring onto Broad? Ever?”
Lou LaPlante, President of The Fazzler and unofficial expert on Nevada City’s public works misadventures, is convinced it’s all part of a cosmic joke. “At first, I thought Verne Taylor, you know, the old Public Works guy, was just screwing with us before he retired. Like, ‘Here, have a parting gift of chaos.’ But after they put those stupid ones at Commercial and Broad, I realized, nope, this is legit madness.”
“Safety First” or “Mayhem at Every Corner”?
Nevada City Police Chief Foley was on hand to provide his usual brand of public reassurance, if you can call it that. “Look, it’s not about the stop signs themselves,” he explained, staring blankly at the ceiling like a man who’s seen too much. “It’s about public safety. Frankly, most of the folks in this town are too old, too stoned, or some combination of both to be driving at all. These stop signs? They’re just a way to slow down the inevitable. Or at least buy us some time.”
Despite Foley’s attempt to bring reason to the conversation, the council continues to push its ever-expanding stop-sign empire under the guise of “Naturally Halted 2020″—a name as ill-conceived as it sounds, evoking images of constipation rather than traffic flow.
“We’re taking back the NH-2020 name,” insisted Councilmember Parker, blissfully unaware that no one particularly wanted it back. “Now, who’s up for a drink? Seriously, does anyone want to grab a drink after this?”
Aesthetic Enhancements and Unnecessary Elegance
Because the residents of Nevada City apparently don’t suffer enough, the project now heads to the esteemed Nevada City Planning Junta (formerly known as the “Commission,” before it got way too self-important). They’ve decided that regular stop signs are just too pedestrian for a place like Nevada City.
“We’re exploring softer fonts,” sniffed one unnamed Commissioner, clearly exhausted by the idea of regular sans-serif lettering. “And that red? It’s just too…crass. We’re thinking of something more in the garnet family. Classy, but still authoritarian. And why stop there? Maybe we change the spelling to ‘Stoppe.’ It’s got that rustic, old-timey feel. Very Gold Rush chic.”
What’s Another Four Years?
So why the delay? It wouldn’t be Nevada City without a little bureaucratic boondoggle, now would it? “I know we were supposed to be done by 2020,” admitted a slightly less world-weary Councilmember Phelps, “but, I mean, who cares? No one here’s in a hurry. Look at how many people still stop at the Pine Street Bridge, as if the signs are still there. We figured we could roll this out slowly.”
The new ribbon-cutting ceremony, now slated for October 2024, will formally reintroduce stop signs at Pine Street, where a good portion of Nevada City’s elderly and leisurely-inclined citizens still stop out of habit—even though the signs were removed over five years ago. “It just makes sense to put those in first,” said Phelps. “I mean, why fight it when everyone’s already acting like they’re there?”
The Future of Driving (Or Not Driving) in Nevada City
Ultimately, the Council assures us that this will all be worth it. “The slow life is a good life,” Parker insisted, showing a remarkable lack of awareness about how little the traffic moves around here as it is. “By the time this is done, Nevada City will be a paragon of traffic tranquility—one stop at a time.”
For those of you planning a leisurely cruise through town, expect delays—lots of them. And while you’re stopped at each unnecessary sign, take a moment to reflect on how, once again, Nevada City’s planners have managed to turn even the simplest of tasks into a drawn-out exercise in absurdity. But hey, it’s all part of that homegrown, small-town charm, right?
So gear up, friends, because the Stopocalypse is coming. You may not be moving fast, but you’ll sure be stopping a lot.
