Austin, TX — Texas officials forcibly deported a Nevada City, California man to El Salvador this week after discovering he replaced a high-flow showerhead with a low-flow, eco-friendly model in an Austin Airbnb, violating the obscure Trump-era “American Freedom of Flow Act” (AFFA).
The suspect, whose identity officials withheld “to protect whatever shred of dignity California hasn’t already taken from him,” reportedly smuggled the 1.5 GPM showerhead in his carry-on luggage, alongside bamboo cutlery, biodegradable shampoo, and a portable compost tumbler, items Sheriff Buck “The Hose” Lantry described as “classic indicators of California radicalization.”
Standing in front of the Airbnb now cordoned off with bright yellow tape reading “LIBERTY UNDER PRESSURE,” Lantry addressed reporters.
“This man wasn’t just installing a showerhead, he was assaulting Texan values. He attempted to bring gentle mist socialism to a state founded on robust, freedom-soaked spray. If left unchecked, we might soon see avocado toast being forced down our throats at gunpoint.”
According to court documents, neighbors became suspicious when the suspect was overheard murmuring contentedly from the bathroom, “Ahh, just the right amount of gentle mist,” a remark immediately reported by a vigilant neighbor, an ex-Marine suffering from what local therapists now call “Post-Traumatic Low-Pressure Disorder.”
The suspect was apprehended by agents from ICE’s shadowy Environmental Subdivision—defunded years ago yet inexplicably still operational on Tuesdays and Thursdays—while boarding his return flight to Sacramento. Due to a bureaucratic error described officially as “just another Tuesday,” he was deported to El Salvador under suspicion of eco-terroristic intent.
Governor Greg Abbott endorsed the deportation vigorously, stating, “Texas will never yield to the totalitarian drizzle. This state was built on gallons per minute, not teaspoons per hour.”
Dr. Ray Sezmore, Director of Texans Against Weakness and host of the Fox News special Showerhead of Shame, added, “Weak water flow is the first step toward veganism, then socialism, and finally total societal collapse. Today it’s our showerheads; tomorrow they’ll come for our briskets and pickup trucks.”
The Airbnb owner, now suing for emotional distress, testified tearfully, “The water pressure still hasn’t recovered. My showers used to say ‘America.’ Now they whisper, ‘Portland.’”
