Grass Valley, CA — Staples employees at the Grass Valley office supply store reported that Nevada City Mayor Reinette Senum dove behind the copy center counter after a customer ran in and shouted “5G.” The incident occurred while Senum was making thousands of flyers for her upcoming documentary How to Thrive With Legacy Dental Fillings in the Age of Chemtrails, 5G, and Forced Vaccinations.

A disheveled area handyman Hank Snow reluctantly admitted being the source of the mayhem. However, he claims he was looking for “Internet” when he entered the Sutton Drive Staples looking for a new wireless router.

“I don’t have any Internet at my mobile home,” said Mr. Snow recalling the incident, “so I’ve just been using my neighbors for the past seven years. Well, he had a heart attack last week and croaked, and his mouthy daughter told me I couldn’t use the WiFi anymore. So I had to breakdown and go get a wireless internet what-cha-ma-call-it. I didn’t know where to go, so I figured Staples was as good as any other place.”

The Woo Army

Nevada City Mayor Reinette Senum has been leading a small, yet vocal band of irrational anti-science activists in Nevada City to prevent the deployment of 5th Generation or 5G wireless technology. Although the 5G Woo Army, as they’re called by non-crazy locals, understands that they are prohibited from bringing up health concerns as a part of any wireless infrastructure projects, that hasn’t stopped many in the extremist cohort from complaining about the health effects of a technology that hasn’t been deployed yet.

“I can’t sleep. I have headaches, and my husband now has terrible gas all because of 5G, said Nevada City’s Carol Castrate who took to the city council podium at the last meeting. “I know Reinette understands all of this, but the rest of you,” referring to the other council members who have voted in favor of 5G deployments, “don’t understand the real suffering we face.”

One Woo Army speaker, went as far to claim that the city is inhabited by paid stooges.

“You can’t fool me,” claimed 74-year-old Christoph Crazden shaking his finger at councilmembers. “Reinette has told me personally that you are paid, crisis actors. You’re on the Verizon payroll. Just admit it. When you are exposed, they will be hell to pay.”

Ms. Senum denied speaking with Mr. Crazden about any crisis actors, although he’s been a frequent guest on her weekly local radio program They’re Watch Us.

The Incident

Mr. Snow doesn’t like to go shopping. For anything. He’s proud of the fact that a single Campbell’s tomato soup can occupies his pantry. He especially dislikes going anywhere near the Grass Valley Grocery Outlet, which sits adjacent to Staples office supply store.

“Look, that place makes me uncomfortable,” continued Mr. Snow speaking of the discount grocery store. “There are some weird people who go there, and some of them don’t smell so good. Not to mention the parking is a real pain in the ass.”

As Mr. Snow entered the parking lot in his ‘debranded’ former police-owned Crown Victoria, he lept out of the car and rushed into the store to avoid making eye contact with anyone outside.  He burst into the showroom, and without regard for decorum or common manners, started shouting orders as if the was the King of Staples.

“5G,” shouted Mr. Snow, not understanding a single word he uttered. “I need some Internet at my house.”

That was all it took to send the Nevada City Mayor diving behind the copy counter, much to the surprise of Staples employee Helen Harry who was helping Ms. Senum with her large print job.

“We get all kinds of weird people coming in here all day. Yesterday this drunk guy walked in and demanded a Big Mac. So I guess we’re used to it,” said Ms. Harry who reluctantly spoke to the press about the incident fearing retaliation from what many call Nevada City’s 5G Woo Army.

“I wasn’t even sure what happened,” continued Ms. Harry, ” but suddenly Reinette was frantically tugging at my pants telling me to ‘get down.’ I just kinda stared at her for a few seconds and then asked her if she was OK.”

Store manager made his way over to Mr. Snow to help him with this technology needs. And after about 5 minutes, Ms. Senum emerged from under the counter, looked around as if she was trying to figure out which ink cartridge for her printer.

“She acted like nothing had happened. She got up and asked me if the copy job was finished. I wanted to ask her if she was OK, but I felt that would have just made her more upset. So I just handed her the 1000 flyers, and she left.”

According to Staples manager Jess Hebron, Mr. Snow received a new WiFi router. However, he failed to heed his recommendation to purchase Internet service from Comcast or AT&T. It’s unclear if he’s been able to resolve his connectivity issues.