Nevada City, CA — “This is discrimination. It’s profiling, and I’m not going to take it. Someone has to uncover the hypocrisy.”

This is an excerpt from a 32-page “pool manifesto” written by Nevada City resident Christine Wayfair, who has spent the last three days lashed to the safety rail of the shallow end at the Nevada City Pioneer Park Pool. Ms. Wayfair is protesting against what she calls a “gross injustice of a fascist regime” advocating for those who would like medical exemption to prevent the young adults operating the city pool from requiring visitors to shower before using the public swim facility.

“First of all, I showered at home, that’s where normal people shower. Not in a public, concrete-floored restroom,” said Ms. Wayfair from the shallow end of Pioneer Park pool while smoking a cigarette.  “Is this prison? Auschwitz? It’s not like there are shower stalls or protective privacy blinds. The showers aren’t even actually in the bathroom! This place is teeming with small children, is that what we are teaching them? To drop trow in front of God and everyone else?”

This issue was brought to the attention of law officials when lifeguard Kelly Gold, the 18-year-old shift supervisor at the Pioneer Park pool. She called the sheriff’s office requesting that an officer come to the pool because “this crazy hippie Lady is tripping out, and used a bicycle chain to lock herself to the steps by the shallow end.”

Trouble at the Pool

Eyewitnesses say the trouble started when 17-year-old snack bar supervisor Billy Louis noticed that the woman had stripped down to her bathing suit and was headed directly for the pool without taking the mandatory rinse-off that all public pools require.

“I watched her walk in, strip down and walk towards the pool without even pretending she’s going to shower,” said the 17-year-old struggling to gather his memory of the event. “I stopped her and pointed out the sign, and it’s a huge sign. Right over there. You can’t miss it. She tried to push past me and go in the pool anyway. I was like, ‘Oh hell no!’ And I blocked her path. That’s when she got all intense and was yelling not to tread on her or something. What a wingnut.”

Witnesses say the woman attempted to push past Billy but was unable to outmaneuver the 6-foot-two swim team captain. So she turned her attention to nine-year-old Kevin Willis, who just arrived for his 4:30 swim lesson and was preparing to lock up his bike.

“I told him he could ride his bike today, but to make sure he locked it up when he got there. I had no idea that would get him targeted by a swim terrorist,” said the boy’s father, who was clearly shaken.

After performing a successful fake out on Billy, Ms. Wayfair charged young Kevin and wrestled his bike lock from him.

“Dang that lady is heck a strong!” Exclaimed Keven as he gave law enforcement his statement. “I told her, ‘hey! That’s not yours! Give it back!’ But she just grabbed it and yelled, ‘possession is 9/10 of the law, dummy!’ And before I could tell her no, she wrapped around the handrail and locked herself to the pool!”

Three Days Later

The intense set of encounters took place three days ago. Ms. Wayfair has remained locked to the shallow end of the pool, and although she says she is hungry and tired, she will not succumb to the tyranny of the teenage staff.

“I was singled out, I was humiliated, and I can’t let this happen to anyone else who refuses to get in line and march to the showers like a good little sheeple. No one ever showers before they get in the pool, the only people you see showering are the ones who just got out of the pool and want to rinse off all of the urine. Everyone knows kids pee in that pool. And that urban myth about the pool turning blue if you pee in it? That is propaganda and fake news. That doesn’t exist. Do you think you’re safe? I am not going to completely disrobe in front of a bunch of children to clean myself to jump in a giant vat of their urine.”

When asked for a statement, county officials that oversee the public space seemed perplexed.

“We have informed Ms. Wayfarer that she does not have to get completely undressed to shower before entering the pool. She can keep her bathing suit on. She remains adamant that we are essentially asking her to expose her private areas to every Tom dick and Harry at the pool, and it seems as if she is not clear on the parameters of the shower we are asking for.”

Local Activists Come to Her Defense

When asked what they plan to do about Ms. Wayfair‘s occupation of the shallow end steps, city councilman Mike Stuart shrugged and said, “the kids running the pool don’t care since she can only put her feet in the shallow end. So I think the plan is just to let her ride this out and she gets hungry or cold enough to go home.”

Ms. Wayfair has gained local support from mommy groups who feel that the government has too much control over our bodies.  One such group, The Nevada City Mommy Coalition, which advocates for public breastfeeding, organic meals in area schools, and back child support came to Ms. Wayfair’s defense.

“This is criminal, you can’t make someone take a shower,” ranted Stacy Grant, Vice President of NCMC from her Cottage Street home. “Showers should not be mandatory. That’s her body, and she can be filthy if she wants to if other people want to shower before they get in the pool? Good for them. That’s their personal choice. We will be seeking to abolish this policy, and until then, we are imploring the medical community to help those being railroaded by the system by providing medical exemptions for anti-shower objectors on the premise of spiritual freedom and personal choice.”