Grass Valley, CA — A local Grass Valley resident was officially, legally, and permanently declared unfit for pet caretaking after he showed up at a local rally in support of an adopted parrot where he recited Monty Python’s notorious “Dead Parrot Sketch” in its entirety, playing all three roles.
The incident took place Monday afternoon before a crowd of about a half dozen people who had gathered at the local Petco in Grass Valley to support the adoption of Olive, a year-old Canary Wing Parakeet who’d been residing at the store for the last several months.
Grass Valley police had to be called in after the angry mob chased the man, 69-year-old Larry Gurchpide, through the Pine Creek Shopping Center and into the Sally Beauty store, where the fugitive was caught trying to hide his identity with an ill-fitting blond wig under a layer of Covergirl Simply Ageless Makeup.
“We were devastated and disturbed,” said Olive’s new owner Polly Wannacracker. “Outrage doesn’t begin to describe it. To even hint that a reputable store like Petco would be so viciously cruel as to nail a dead parrot to its perch and then try to sell it as a live one is beyond criminal. Poor customer service and animal cruelty are never funny.”
Store manager and local actor Ed Beaky (currently starring in the local Birdcage Theatre production of “Don’t Do Nothin’ ‘Cause Someone’s Gonna Get Mad!”) was especially critical of Gurchpide’s rendition of the sketch.
“’Pathetic’ doesn’t begin to describe it,” he said. “He was terrible in all three roles. He spoke British like an Italian. It was beyond creepy to watch him lie on the counter pretending to be the dead parrot, jump up and play the shopkeeper nudging the cage, and hop over the counter to play the outraged customer. It took three people to chase him out from behind the store counter. People were fainting. The children were crying. I mean . . . think of the children!”
“The Dead Parrot” sketch was implicated in the deaths of tens of thousands of parrots and the burning down of pet shops across Britain after its debut performance on BBC’s Monty Python program in 1969. A few years ago, it placed number five on the list of “Five Thousand Jokes You Should Never Tell in Public,” a list put out by the U.S. Department of Appropriate Culture.
Currently released on a ten thousand dollar bail, Gurchpide has refused to comment (as guilty people typically do). Nevada County Animal Safety Officers raided his home at 666 Avian Way in Grass Valley and confiscated a six-year-old calico cat, whose mouth “was bulging with feathers when we broke down the door,” Animal Safety Officer May Cockatoo stated.
Gurchpide’s arrest may finally end a six-month spree of parrot-nappings. The perpetrator has been permanently banned from all pet ownership and is required to wear an ankle bracelet permanently. He will also be subject to weekly household inspections.
“He won’t be able to even keep a house fly,” declared Burt Droppings, head of Grass Valley Animal Rescue. “He’ll just tear the wings off ‘em.”
