NEVADA CITY, CA — Just when you thought the political situation in Nevada City couldn’t get any weirder—surprise! The Broad Street Beacon has learned that Laura Loomer, the far-right conspiracy theorist and social media exile, is planning to announce her candidacy for mayor of Nevada City at tomorrow’s Nevada County Republican dinner.
That’s the same Laura Loomer who once handcuffed herself to Twitter’s headquarters, apparently in a bold attempt to remind everyone why she was banned in the first place. According to a leaked version of her speech (thank you, anonymous source who may or may not be her taxi driver), she’s got big plans for Nevada City. Buckle up, because if even half of this speech is serious, we’re headed into territory that makes your average Nevada City mayoral term look like a yoga retreat.
The Big Announcement: “I’m Already the Winner”
Loomer, never one to shy away from subtlety, will reportedly kick off her speech with this gem:
“I’m running for mayor of Nevada City, and let’s just get this out of the way: I’m already declaring myself the winner.”
Loomer, master of election denial, is going straight to the finish line without all that messy voting business. Why bother with ballots when you can assume you’ve won? According to her speech, the ballots in Nevada City are “probably printed on gluten-free, hemp-recycled paper,“ and everyone knows those are just tools of the deep state.
Her Platform: Moats, Kombucha Bans, and Secession
But wait—there’s more. Loomer isn’t just running for mayor; she’s bringing a platform that might make even Nevada City’s most seasoned weirdos pause mid-downward. Here’s a preview:
- Ban on Kombucha: Yes, folks, the fermented tea beloved by your Aunt Karen and every self-respecting yoga instructor in town is now public enemy number one. According to Loomer, kombucha is “fermented Communism,“ which, as a journalist, I feel obligated to point out makes absolutely no sense, but neither does anything else here.
- A Moat Around City Hall: You know how normal mayors focus on things like potholes or public services? Loomer plans to build a moat. Around City Hall. Filled with essential oils, because apparently lavender will stop those “anarchist vegans” she’s so worried about. I’m guessing she’s never met a vegan—if there’s anyone who won’t be deterred by essential oils, it’s them.
- Secession from California: Naturally, no Loomer platform would be complete without a plan to turn Nevada City into its own “MAGA Kingdom,“ free from the “tyranny of Sacramento.“ According to her speech, she’s already ordered a custom gold throne with a built-in Mar-a-Lago live feed. I didn’t even know that was an option on Amazon.
Supporters Speak Out: “Finally, Someone Who Hates Kombucha As Much As We Do”
Loomer’s announcement has some local Republicans overjoyed because, as we all know, Nevada City Republicans are definitely the type to get excited about things like moats and Trump-themed governance.
Take Franklin “Bud“ McNulty, a man who is, to kombucha, what Godzilla is to Tokyo. “This is exactly what this town needs,“ McNulty told me between drags of his Marlboro Red. “We’ve been overrun by liberal elites ever since they opened that vegan cheese shop. If Loomer wants to ban kombucha and turn City Hall into a fortress, I’m all for it. I’ll bring the shovel.”
Then there’s Cynthia Harlow, head of the local chapter of Republicans Against RINOs (which I’m pretty sure is a club of three people and a dog). Harlow praised Loomer’s vision: “She’s not afraid to say what we’ve all been thinking. This town is overrun with dreadlocked socialists and gluten-free anarchists. It’s about time someone took a stand—and if that stand involves a moat, well, so be it.“
I tried to clarify if she was serious about the moat. She was.
Rational Voters React: “This Tracks, Unfortunately”
While Loomer’s speech has her fan club ready to dig trenches and stockpile essential oils, most of Nevada City’s rational voters are doing what they do best: shaking their heads and pouring another glass of organic wine.
Jessica Greene, a local artist and third-generation resident, was not amused. “Honestly, this makes perfect sense. We’ve had a string of mayors who have been everything from wacky to, well, mayor-in-jail. So why wouldn’t a conspiracy theorist like Loomer run? Of course, she’s going to ban kombucha and build a moat. This is Nevada City. I’m just surprised she didn’t propose a crystal-powered drone army.”
Meanwhile, Dan Peterson, a barista who has seen more than his fair share of strange orders and strange politicians, wasn’t even fazed. “At this point, nothing shocks me. We had a guy last year who tried to run on a platform of renaming all the streets after his cats. Now we’ve got Loomer talking about declaring Nevada City a MAGA Kingdom? Sure, whatever. I just hope she doesn’t touch the Wi-Fi. Some of us have work to do.”
Peterson then proceeded to make an oat milk latte, which may or may not have caused the ghost of Ronald Reagan to shed a single tear.
What’s Next: The Real Speech Tomorrow
If this leaked version of her speech is even remotely accurate (and we really hope it is, for entertainment’s sake), tomorrow’s Nevada County Republican dinner is set to be a political spectacle the likes of which this town hasn’t seen since the “Great Parking Meter Debate“ of 2018.
Loomer is expected to make her official announcement in front of a crowd of die-hard conservatives, libertarians, and at least two guys who just came for the prime rib. Afterward, the real fun begins: campaign slogans, bumper stickers, and possibly even Loomer-branded essential oils (now available in “Patriot Pine“ and “Liberal Tears”).
The Beacon will be covering the whole event, so stay tuned for Sunday’s follow-up, where we’ll answer the burning questions: Did Loomer really propose a moat? Did Bud McNulty bring a shovel? And most importantly, can kombucha drinkers mount a legal defense?
