Grass Valley, CA – We’ve all been there: standing in the CVS Pharmacy line, 14 people deep, with someone at the counter who insists on explaining their life story to the disinterested pharmacist. You’re just here for your anxiety meds, and maybe some Tums, but the line isn’t budging. What if I told you there was a way to bypass the entire queue? A method so diabolically effective should it come with a legal disclaimer? Enter: the Explosive Diarrhea Deception.
This clever bit of social engineering was reportedly first conceived by a Nevada City resident who, after being stuck behind a local herbalist attempting to price-match 15 different brands of echinacea, had an epiphany. They say necessity is the mother of invention, and when you need that prescription filled before you start crying in aisle five, the brain gets creative.
Step 1: The Setup
The key to success is all in the preparation. A subtle hand on the abdomen, a faint wince, and just the right amount of labored breathing. It’s important to remember that you’re not trying to alarm anyone—just suggest that an urgent situation is brewing, one that could become everyone’s problem if not swiftly addressed.
Start by making eye contact with the person before you, then glance at the clock or your phone with mild desperation. A mumbled, “Oh no, not again…” under your breath can be the perfect touch to set the scene.
Step 2: The Execution
Now comes the art of persuasion. Step out of line just enough to catch the attention of the cashier or pharmacist, clutching your midsection in a way that implies a ticking time bomb. “Excuse me, I’m so sorry, but I need to get to the restroom—can I just grab my prescription first?” you ask, voice quavering with politeness and urgency.
Nine times out of ten, the folks in line will scatter faster than a flock of pigeons because nobody wants to be within splash zone range if things go south. And let’s be honest, the CVS staff have seen worse. They’ll likely push your meds into your hands to avoid potential cleanup duty.
Step 3: The Aftermath
Once you’ve successfully snagged your spot at the front, it’s crucial to maintain the ruse. Grab your bag, mutter a hurried “thank you,” and briskly walk toward the restroom. Of course, no one expects you actually to go in, but keeping up appearances is important. Duck into the snack aisle instead, grab some Doritos or vitamin water, and then casually loop back to the registers, purchase in hand.
Should you encounter anyone from the original line afterward, it’s best to look slightly embarrassed. If questioned, “Oh, I’m feeling much better now, thanks,” should suffice.
Ethical Considerations
Before you start plotting your next CVS conquest, it’s worth considering the moral implications. This technique should be reserved for truly desperate situations, like when your online date is 15 minutes away and you forgot to pick up your acne cream or when you’re just too damn tired to wait behind a lady who insists on paying in quarters.
Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Abuse the Explosive Diarrhea Deception, and you might find yourself facing a backlash from fellow Grass Valley residents—or worse, barred from the only pharmacy in town.
In a world where lines are long, patience is short, and everyone’s in a hurry, sometimes you’ve got to think outside the box. Or, in this case, outside the colon. Just make sure to use your powers wisely, and for the love of all that is holy, don’t overdo the act—or you might end up with more than just the front of the line.
