Reporting from the Nevada Club — Well, folks, if you thought Grass Valley couldn’t out-Grass-Valley itself, think again. Mill Street, our once proud and pothole-riddled thoroughfare where dreams of convenient parking went to die, has gone and gotten itself a makeover. Not the kind where you nod politely and say, “Oh, you look great, sweetie,” but the kind where you squint real hard and wonder if the stylist was drunk. Welcome to the new, car-free Mill Street—a cobblestone runway for strollers, spandex, and unsolicited opinions.
Now, I’m just your humble reporter, Loretta Splitair, but even I can see this has caused more division in town than a bar fight over whether the Nisenan Center’s gift shop is overpriced (spoiler alert: it isn’t). The powers that be say they’re modernizing Grass Valley, but the locals are hollering that we’re on a fast track to becoming the next Portland.
“Cobblestones Are Just a Gateway to Communism”
Meet Jebediah Scruggins, longtime Grass Valley resident and noted authority on things no one asked about. Jeb’s been seen pacing the outer limits of Mill Street, muttering darkly about parking spaces and the sanctity of asphalt.
“This pedestrian nonsense is step one of the liberal agenda,” he bellowed last week, holding court at The Holbrooke’s bar. “First, they make us walk. Next thing you know, they’ll take our trucks, pave over the fairgrounds, and replace the Cornish Christmas pasties with avocado toast!”
Meanwhile, Coulton Mathews, Grass Valley’s unofficial spokesperson for rage quilting and “I Told You So” bumper stickers, claims the cobblestones are part of a sinister plot. “I tripped twice walking to The Bookseller,” he announced at last week’s Unitarian center potluck. “Clearly, they’re trying to wipe us old-time folks out. Probably to make room for more yoga studios and police searches.”
And don’t even get me started on Nevada City’s contribution to this fiasco. Ted Cumberbatch—our neighboring town’s resident malcontent—has been shouting into the Facebook void about “woke infiltrators.”
He’s 100% convinced that his Nevada City taxes are funding this project, despite no evidence and the fact that he refuses to pay said taxes in the first place.
“They’ll rename it Marx Street soon enough!” Ted posted a 1,200-word rant that ended with a call to protest by standing in the middle of the new ice rink on Neal Street. Unsurprisingly, the ice rink protest lasted all of 11 minutes, cut short when Randy Whiskerbottom slipped and pulled his groin.
The Conspiracy Corner: What Are They Hiding?
Speaking of Randy, he’s been busy stitching this whole thing into the grand tapestry of the so-called globalist agenda. According to Randy’s latest “research” (read: his favorite YouTube rabbit hole), Mill Street is step one of a master plan to ban meat, mandate electric scooters, and replace our beloved Dorsey Drive overpass with something called a “light rail.”
“I don’t care what Mayor Regina Chumbawamba says,” Randy declared from his recliner at the Nevada Club (don’t believe me? Go see it in the back. I’m sitting in it right now.) “She’s just a pawn in the billionaire lizard people’s game. Why else would they make Mill Street car-free? Cars equal freedom, and freedom equals America. Connect the dots, sheeple!”
Randy then handed me a pamphlet titled Make Telephone Poles Great Again, which appears to be his campaign to rip out the underground power lines and reinstall “proper” ones because “they’re a symbol of liberty.”
The Other Side: “If This Is Woke, I’ll Take It”
Of course, not everyone is losing their marbles over the new Mill Street. Sally Hopscotch, owner Mill Street’s charmingly named Knickknacks and Kneedles, is thrilled about the car-free zone.
“Sure, some folks are upset, but you know what? The foot traffic is great for business. People stop and browse instead of speeding by in their diesel trucks. Last week, I sold three crocheted potholders and a vintage butter churn to the same lady!”
Mayor Chumbawamba, who has somehow resisted the urge to move to Tahoe and leave us all to stew in our collective nonsense, insists the Mill Street project is about progress, not politics.
“We’re trying to revitalize downtown,” she said at a recent town hall meeting. “Tourists love walkable streets. Locals will benefit too. And no, there is no plan to rename Mill Street after Karl Marx or mandate vegan burgers. Can we please get a grip?”
Naturally, this did little to soothe the crowd, which erupted into a shouting match about everything from mask mandates to fluoride in the water.
What’s Next for Grass Valley?
The Mill Street saga continues to be the hottest controversy in town, and the stakes couldn’t be higher. Will Grass Valley embrace its shiny new cobblestones and pedestrian-friendly vibe, or will Jebediah, Bertha, and Randy form a rogue task force to bring back the cars and save “real America”?
One thing’s for sure: this debate is far from over. And as for me, I’ll be here with my folding chair and a bag of popcorn, watching it all unfold. Because if there’s one thing Grass Valley does better than questionable public projects, it’s arguing about them.
Stay woke—or don’t. Whatever gets you through the day.
Yours sarcastically,
Loretta Splitair