Nevada City, CA — Following the abrupt Heath Department shuttering of Nevada City’s Friar Tuck’s restaurant this week, supporters of the Trump-inspired fondue house claim the invasion by county officials was another attempt to defame the former President. In the early morning hours, armed inspectors forced their way into the restaurant, seizing several boxes of frozen fish, Velveeta, and various hand-written notes to the former and disgraced mayor of Nevada City.
According to more than one eyewitness, the Health department strike team was dressed suspiciously like ANTIFA and Black Lives Matters supporters and dropped several Critical Race Theory pamphlets upon exiting the building. The topsy-turvy Sierra Nevada foothills town hasn’t seen this much controversy since Cirino’s on Broad Street blamed Communists and Obamacare for its failed business over a decade ago.
“I was there bright and early at 5 am for the annual Commercial Street curb painting,” said long-time Nevada City resident Toby “Doob” Carnevale, who was in the middle of lighting a joint mid-conversation. “Of course, I realized I was one month early, but I was lucky. As I came around the corner, there were all these suspicious people dressed in black in front of Friar Tucks. And a bunch of Ford Tauruses, too, with Gavin Newsom bumper stickers on them. I knew this wouldn’t end well, so I high-tailed it out there. Well, more like limped, but you get the idea.”
Although former President Trump didn’t issue a statement regarding the Friar Tucks invasion, nor is it unclear that he was even aware, that didn’t stop Nevada County’s MAGA Truck Coalition from issuing a statement and a course of action.
“We here NCMAGATC, aren’t just good at acronyms; we’re real good at action. The kind of stuff the socialists don’t want you to know,” announced NCMAGATC leader Penn Valley’s Dustin Jayce Dickens from the back of his Dodge 2500 in the Safeway parking lot. “Don’t listen to what the liberal media is telling you. Don’t listen to what the Democrats are telling you on social media. And don’t listen to the experts who are only interested in taking our precious bodily fluids and unborn babies.”
Mr. Dickens’ ramblings went on for more than 20 minutes to a crowd of at least 42 truck enthusiasts. He finally announced a truck rally this Saturday to protest the FBI, which has no involvement in the Friar Tucks Heath Department action, and that he called the “ANTIFA and BLM communist takeover of our local businesses.”
The Health Department [Sorta] Responds
For its part, the Nevada County Health Department doesn’t comment on the nature of its actions, saying it prefers to keep such things quiet out of respect for the businesses, allowing them time to address health and safety issues.
“The violation is posted on the door and speaks for itself. We hope Friar Tucks will address the violations, and we’re here to help guide them through this process.” When asked if the department had any involvement with ANTIFA, Black Lives Matter, or Critical Race Theory, officials declined to comment, which fueled more conspiracy theories.
However, in the Health Department’s New ALL CAPS Food Inspection report, officials observed: “RAT FECES IN TRAYS AND FLOORS IN THE KITCHEN, ON CANNED FOOD IN DRY STORAGE, [AND IN] IN THE WINE CELLAR AREA.” As a result, the report recommended pest control services.
Despite the report, several weak-minded locals started floating conspiracy theories about the Health Department’s actions and findings.
“Well, clearly they planted the rat shit,” said long-time Nevada City activist Saihra Ramun via her megaphone on Broad Street earlier this morning. “And this is retaliation for Tucks’ standing their ground during the pandemic. I mean, it’s obvious if you look at the facts. It’s obvious once you understand this is a witch hunt against people fighting for truth.”