Nevada City, CA — The long arm of federal overreach has finally touched down in Nevada County, and it’s pointing directly at The Broad Street Beacon’s editor-in-chief, Randall Finkelstein—accused by President Trump of “serial disloyalty, intellectual sass, and possibly alchemy.”
In a memorandum leaked via an open manila folder left on the bar at The Mineshaft, the Department of Justice outlined a sweeping investigation into Finkelstein’s writings, which, according to the memo, “exhibit patterns consistent with anti-American sentiment, independent thought, and excessive use of semicolons.”
“The subject has been publishing critical material since at least 2017,” the memo states, “including pieces questioning the federal government’s relationship with facts, language, and personal hygiene. These writings, often laced with satire and, worse, footnotes, represent a clear and present threat to unilateral executive narrative control.”
Trump himself weighed in, mid-Taco-Bell combo livestream:
“You have this guy—Randall something—writing books, pamphlets, newsletters, whatever. He calls himself a journalist. But really, he’s anonymous. You don’t even know. They say he’s got a paper, but it’s a Beacon? A beacon of what? Fake news? Subversion? It’s not even printed in Mar-a-Lago. Total disgrace.”
DOJ Orders and Evidence
Sources say the DOJ has compiled an 83-page dossier of “evidence,” including:
- A 2023 editorial titled “The State of the Union: Less Address, More Yelp Review”
- Handwritten meeting notes from a Beacon editorial meeting allegedly labeled “Agenda: Antagonize Authority, Alphabetically.”
- A printed-out meme comparing Trump’s foreign policy to a slow-moving propane leak.
The DOJ memo recommends immediate action under the newly created Federal Literary Enforcement Division (FLED), a shadowy agency formed after Trump’s reelection and tasked with “corrective reading and narrative stabilization.”
Reaction and Resistance
Nevada City locals were swift to respond.
“First they came for Randall,” said Lily Tomkins, a local apiarist and herbal rights activist, “and we all just stood there because we weren’t done with our turmeric shots. But now? We’re mad. He’s the only editor who ever published my poem about dog astrology.”
Even Grass Valley’s notoriously unhinged podcast host Cletus “Truthball” Jorgensen chimed in from his shipping container studio.
“This is it, folks. They’re arresting the writers. Today it’s the Beacon; tomorrow it’s That Guy Who Does Doodles on the Downtown Bathrooms. I warned y’all. This is what fluoride and wind farms lead to!”
Jorgensen later offered a full breakdown of the DOJ memo during a 17-minute rant titled “Operation Beacon Bleach: Deep State in the Sierras.”
The Editor Speaks (Sort of)
Finkelstein himself issued a brief statement scribbled on the back of an old “Save the Library” poster:
“I have not, to my knowledge, committed treason. I’ve merely exercised what used to be referred to as ‘thinking.’ If that’s now illegal, I’m going to need more ink.”
Despite the mounting pressure, the Beacon’s next issue is set to run as scheduled, reportedly featuring a new series titled “Profiles in Unpatriotism: Local Citizens Who Made Eye Contact with Authority.”
As of press time, Finkelstein remains at large—possibly hiding out in a vintage Airstream somewhere near the Yuba River, armed with nothing but a Smith-Corona typewriter and a 1952 copy of the Federalist Papers annotated in red pen.
