COVID-Related Erectile Dysfunction Rates Skyrocket In Nevada County

Nevada City, CA — Following several high-profile “liberty” protests, the Nevada County Department of Health reported a “notable and troubling spike” in erectile dysfunction in certain segments of the 24-45 year old male demographic. According to the report, the dysfunction rate is four times the traditional averages.

“It’s clear that along with recent protest events around the county, there has also been a spike in COVID-19 infections,” the report noted. “Along with the increase in caseloads, area doctors and other health experts warn that our darkest erectile dysfunction months are ahead of us and caution men against attending protests and rallies.”

Earlier this month, the esteemed National Institutes of Health said there was significant evidence suggesting that along with other long-term COVID-19 complications, erectile dysfunction was prevalent in men who attach flags to their trucks. The study found that surviving COVID-19 may be associated with erectile dysfunction (ED). The research points to three factors that can lead to the potential onset of ED in men who have had the virus:

• Vascular effects. Erectile function is a predictor of heart disease because vascular and reproductive systems are connected. The study also suggests that being overly sensitive and triggered by “china-loving, ANTIFA libtard Democrats” leads to spikes in vascular issues.
• Psychological impact. Sexual activity is closely associated with mental health. The stress, anxiety, and depression caused by stupidity and a low IQ can be linked to sexual dysfunction and poor mood. The study found that increasing the number of Trump 2020  and Blue Lives Matter flags on your truck had no impact on mood or mental stability, despite one’s efforts to annoy others.
• Overall health deterioration due to poor judgment and narcissism. ED is typically a symptom of an underlying problem. Attending maskless rallies and protests are prime examples of poor judgment and selfishness.

The spike followed a recent super-spreader event in Nevada City organized by a coalition including the Redding, CA-based Chemtrail Action Network, Nevada County Parents Against Vaccination (NCPAV), the oddly named “Afraid of Facecoverings” or AoF group. AoF formed hastily in protest of, well, a fear of cloth and also in to rally against bad “woke” poetry.

Former Nevada City officials and activists came emerged from their doomsday bunkers to organize Nevada City Revival.

Designed to promote natural herd immunity and low IQs, as many as 36 people attended the event, which featured such activities as active spit sharing, impromptu kissing, and lighting stolen trash cans on fire.

“It was a great time,” said Kenton Daft of Penn Valley, who made his way to Nevada City’s Revival Event to ‘celebrate his liberty,’ whatever that means, “but I didn’t like kissing random dudes. The people running the event said it was for my own good. It kind of goes against God and Trump, but I tried it. It wasn’t that bad. But now my wiener is not doing so good, you know? So maybe it wasn’t such a good idea.”

Nevada County health officials recommend that men in this 24 to  45-year-old cohort stay at home, avoid any non-essential gatherings, wear a mask when around others, and try to think about something other than themselves and their weird-ass magical fantasies about liberty and freedom.

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