Satire

A local Norwegian family from the Cascade Shores housing development is in hot water for attempting to cremate a deceased relative on Scotts Flat Lake earlier today. The Barstad family recently lost their patriarch, Norman Barstad, who had lived with them at their Spanish Lane home.

As gun violence infiltrates every corner of American life, remote workers in Nevada City are now required to undergo active shooter training from home. Zoom has introduced virtual drills to ensure employees can protect themselves during meetings. This new safety protocol emphasizes the absurdity of preparing for gunfire while managing emails from a home office.

Nevada City's Greg Thompson has become infamous for his relentless hatred of mayonnaise, ensuring that no social event passes without his passionate critique of the condiment. From its “gloopy” texture to his conspiracy theory about “Big Mayo,” Greg’s anti-mayo rants have become legend. Friends and neighbors, while tolerant, have heard it all before—and will likely hear it all again.

Brock Whalen, a Penn Valley man and vocal Trump supporter, is suing Brazil for violating his First Amendment rights after the country blocked Elon Musk's X platform. Whalen, known for his 'interesting' views of personal freedom, insists the U.S. Constitution applies globally. With a history of quirky legal battles, Whalen’s latest stunt has the small town buzzing as Brazil remains blissfully unaware.

Pop superstar Taylor Swift is set to perform a surprise concert at the Nevada City Minor Foundry, thanks to her cousin’s influence. While local Swifties are ecstatic, the Nevada County Republicans are outraged, planning a protest against what they see as Swift’s liberal agenda. Expect a clash of glitter and gas as Nevada City gears up for this unforgettable event.

Eddie Vedder and Stevie Nicks’ new single, “Mumbles in the Mist,” from their album Soul Reverberations, is a masterclass in incomprehensibility. With lyrics that sound like they were cobbled together from a drunk séance and music that’s as murky as the lyrics, fans are left scratching their heads—or just plain giving up on deciphering the nonsense.

Serena Hatchly is there for you when you need her. And now is a good time.

A Nevada City cat named Mittens has lost 10 pounds on Pet Ozempic, a new trend that’s diverting the diabetes drug from humans to pets. As local pet owners embrace this weight-loss craze, diabetics in the community face medication shortages, raising ethical concerns about prioritizing pet wellness over human health in Nevada County.

Herman M. Dean, a Nevada City gardener, harvested a $9.37 tomato after spending $750 and four months on his garden. Despite setbacks, including deer attacks, Dean's efforts highlight the high cost of local, organic gardening. While advocates praise the quality of homegrown produce, critics question its sustainability. Dean remains optimistic about reducing costs in future seasons