Sacramento, CA — California Governor Gavin Newsom announced today the launch of a groundbreaking new program: Straight Conversion Therapy. California, the state that brought you avocado toast, legal marijuana, and the plastic straw ban, is now leading the charge in a bold new direction.

The program, hailed as “the next step in California’s journey toward true inclusivity” by Newsom himself, aims to offer straight people the opportunity to “experience the other side” through what the Governor’s office is calling “intensive re-orientation workshops.” The therapy, which includes everything from Ellen DeGeneres marathons to compulsory participation in drag brunches, is designed to “open minds and hearts” to the gay experience, at least according to its proponents.

“We’ve spent decades supporting the LGBTQ+ community’s right to live authentically,” Newsom said at a press conference held in the heart of West Hollywood. “But why stop there? It’s time we let straight people have a taste of what they’re missing. After all, in California, we’re all about trying new things—even if it means turning the old conversion therapy model on its head.”

Participants in the program will undergo a series of “fabulously intensive” sessions aimed at “re-orienting their perspectives” and “enhancing their cultural fluency.” These sessions include guided tours of San Francisco’s Castro District, seminars on the history of queer cinema, and, of course, weekly assignments to memorize lyrics from Lady Gaga’s discography.

The program has already drawn praise from some corners of the progressive left, who see it as a natural evolution of California’s social justice agenda. However, it has also sparked outrage among conservatives who already call it “a bridge too far” and “another example of California’s out-of-control wokeness.”

Newsom, however, remains unfazed. “It’s California,” he said with a grin. “We don’t just set the trends. We create the future.”

Former President Trump Slams Newsom’s ‘Straight Conversion Therapy’ as ‘Liberal Lunacy’

Not one to miss an opportunity to weigh in on California’s latest “innovation,” former President Donald Trump quickly took to his social media platform, Truth Social, to denounce Governor Newsom’s “Straight Conversion Therapy” program. In a series of posts that alternated between disbelief and fiery rhetoric, Trump called the initiative “liberal lunacy at its finest” and a “ridiculous assault on our God-given values.”

“This is just more proof that the radical left has completely lost its mind,” Trump wrote. “They’re trying to turn California into a complete joke! We need to stop this madness before it spreads to the rest of our beautiful country. MAGA will NEVER stand for this!” He suggested that if re-elected, he would prioritize “bring common sense back to America” and ensure that “no one is forced to participate in such a crazy, woke experiment.”

Rumors are swirling that the next phase of the program might include straight people being offered “Gay for a Day” vouchers as part of their state tax refunds, though this has yet to be confirmed.

Whether this new initiative will catch on remains to be seen, but one thing is clear: in the Golden State, anything is possible—and usually, it comes with a side of kale.

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