Nevada City, CA — Area smartass redfish Randall Finkelstein announced on his Facebook page that he plans to occupy a 5G cell phone tower in protest of plans to either tear it down or set it on fire, whichever comes first. The newly erected tower, which is just north of town on Broad Street, was a joint project between Verizon Wireless, The Gates Foundation, and the George Soros Foundation for the Betterment of Jewish People.
“I’m what’s called a towerifophile, or someone who loves towers,” said Mr. Finkelstein commenting on his “Save Our 5G” initiative. “Which is why I’m going to sit in a 5G tower until the evil Luddite forces that blanket our fine city have been vanquished into the dustbin of derp history.”
Adding to Mr. Finkelstein’s efforts are a collection of like-minded community activists including the pro-technology group Act Fast, which promotes high-speed Internet Access in the Sierra foothills, and non-ironically named We’re Not Stupid, a local group of scientists who spend their days battling “loud idiots who couldn’t pass an 8th-grade math exam,” according to their website.
Other groups supporting Finklelstein’s cause are the Fortnite Collective, which is a group of 15 to 18-year-olds who want lower gaming latency, and for some reason, the Nevada City Model Railroad Club, which many believe might be a mistake.
“The real purpose of all this is to assert local control over 5G tower removal and increase Internet access to downtown Nevada City,” continued Mr. Finklelstein. “We need to protect our rights and other vital services to promote the spirit and beauty of our town.”
To support his cause, Team Fink, as it’s being called, has prepared several lunches and a unique “hoistable” toilet for when the smartass redfish need to relieve himself. However, Finkelstein says that’s unnecessary.
“I crap in my fishbowl, so I don’t need a toilet. Maybe a small net or a water filter, I suppose. What I don’t need are tuna fish sandwiches, although I appreciate my supporters’ sense of humor.”