Nevada City, CA — An area guinea pig continued today to chew its timothy hay thoughtfully but seemingly unconcerned about the collapse of the great American experience. Sugar Peaches, the male guinea pig owned by 11-year-old Stephanie Jameson of Nevada City, seems content not to get involved in the bitter political discourse that some believe is contributing to the decline of western liberal democracies.
“Sugar Peaches is happy,” said Miss Jameson as she held the animal snugly in her hands. “All he cares about is his hay and carrots. When I pick him up, he gets kinda scared like I’m going to eat him. But I tell him, ‘No baby, I’m just going to snuggle you. I’m not an eagle or like Dad or anything like that.’ He’s so cute. I love him so much.”
Sources close to the Jameson family said they purchased the black, white, and brown guinea pig for their daughter to “teach her some responsibility and skills.” So far, the youngest member of the Jameson family has stepped up to the challenge.
“I have to clean his cage every week,” continued Miss Jameson, “and I have to feed him every day. I also tell him not to worry about the coming end times, as Dad keeps saying. Like, I’ll take care of him no matter what. I tell Sugar Peaches that Dad’s just joking about how he’ll become our food if Trump doesn’t get impeached. But he doesn’t seem to care as long as there’s plenty of hay. And carrots, of course!”
According to Stephanie’s Father Jason Jameson, he wanted to have chickens and other practical things “the family could survive on” if Donald Trump continues as our President. Still, they’re not zoned for agriculture, and his neighbors are “assholes.”
“If we lived in town, we could have chickens and other animals,” said an agitated Mr. Jameson. “But we’re not zoned for agriculture, and we have to keep everything on the down-low for the pending apocalypse. If I had goats or whatever my neighbors would probably rat me out to the County. So, I’ve freeze-dried food for years, and I bought a gun safe. That’s all I’m going to say about that.”
As for the young Miss Jameson, she seems unaffected by her father’s preparation.
“I love Sugar Peaches. I like, gave him two names because I couldn’t decide on just one,” said a grinning Miss Jameson. “And Dad says sugar is bad for you, so I figured he wouldn’t eat him if I named him that. Look how cute he is.”