Nevada City, CA — North San Juan’s foremost independent thinker, self-certified Master of Conspiratorial Sciences, and two-time runner-up in the county’s annual “Most Prepared for the Apocalypse” contest, Skyy Wolford, is blowing the whistle on what he calls “the biggest neural hijacking since fluoride in the water.”
At last week’s meeting of The Galactic Brain Trust Workshop, a Nevada City-based think tank (or, as outsiders call it, a chaotic mix of people who really shouldn’t have internet access), Skyy stunned his fellow truth-seekers with a bombshell revelation:
“Agenda 2025 had their minds wiped by Neuralink, Brah. And now? They don’t even know who Trump is.”
The claim sent shockwaves through Broad Street’s Alpha Building, where The Woke Workshop gathers every Thursday at 6:66 PM (that’s 7:06 for the unenlightened). The group, a coalition of retired bass players, sovereign citizens, and people who got really into QAnon before it got mainstream, listened in awe as Skyy laid out his evidence.
A Dangerous Experiment Gone Too Far?
Skyy claims to have pieced together the Neuralink plot through a combination of deep meditation, numerology, and a blurry YouTube video titled “MUSK MEMORY MIND MELT EXPOSED (REAL FOOTAGE).” According to his sources, Agenda 2025 operatives volunteered for an experimental Neuralink implant, but the system went rogue.
“They were just supposed to forget, like, a couple things. Y’know, like classified documents or tax stuff. But instead, their whole Trump database got wiped clean.”
The theory was met with enthusiastic nods from the workshop’s most respected minds, including:
Stacy Grant: Cottage Street’s self-trained herbalist, off-grid beekeeper, and former corporate attorney turned full-time truth seeker. Stacy’s latest project involves training bees to recognize 5G signals and organizing a class-action lawsuit against the Nevada County Department of Weights and Measures.
Toby “The Doob” Carnevale: A “former” (according to Doob) Nevada City home dispensary manager and self-proclaimed expert in both ancient astronaut theory and dabbing, Doob insists that Neuralink has been implanting subliminal messages in Sativa strains since 2019.
Flint Grady: A former Grass Valley city councilman who insists he has proof that the Rough and Ready fire station is actually a FEMA re-education camp.
Toby, midway through rolling a truly concerning-sized joint, agreed wholeheartedly:
“I mean, Neuralink already controls Teslas. You really think they can’t accidentally control brains? Wake up, people.”
Alternative Theories from the Workshop
Of course, Skyy’s revelation triggered a flurry of competing explanations from the group, including:
- The Simulation Glitch Hypothesis. According to Doob, we’re actually in a “Truman Show-style” fake reality, and Musk is just deleting Trump like a bad Minecraft save file.
- The Shadow Government Mind Wipe. Stacy believes it’s not Neuralink, but rather a DMT-powered memory erasure program run by lizard people in the basement of the Nevada County Courthouse.
- The Time Traveler Angle. Flint insists Musk himself is from the future and erased Trump to prevent an interdimensional war between America and Atlantis in 2031.
- The Psychedelic Fail-Safe Theory. One Workshop attendee (who asked to remain anonymous because he was technically not allowed back in the bookstore) suggested Musk slipped an experimental microdose into Tesla’s air filtration systems, triggering a collective consciousness shift that caused Agenda 2025 to simply “vibe past” Trump’s existence.
The Fallout
As The Galactic Brain Trust Workshop concluded, Skyy made one final, chilling prediction:
“If Musk can delete Trump from their minds, what’s stopping him from erasing other things? Like the true history of Sasquatch? Or how to hotwire a Prius? We’re talking about a full-scale memory apocalypse, dude.”
The group agreed to reconvene next week, where the scheduled topic is “The Hidden Pyramid Beneath SPD Market.” Until then, Skyy is urging locals to protect their memories by wearing homemade lead helmets and avoiding prolonged eye contact with Teslas.
Neuralink has yet to comment. But then again, maybe they already did—and we just forgot.
