Grass Valley, CA — In what local residents are calling a “classic case of Daryl being Daryl,” part-time patriot and full-time cable news addict Daryl McCracken has reportedly contracted rabies and tularemia after staging an elaborate “rescue” of a squirrel he believes to be the target of government mind control.
While local authorities confirm that no one in Grass Valley—city or state—is even remotely concerned with Daryl or his furry sidekick, McCracken, 52, asserts that the animal, whom he has named Liberty, is a victim of a “deep state plot” to control wildlife.
It all began when McCracken, self-appointed hero of wildlife everywhere, spotted the squirrel near a creek, looking “abandoned and suspicious.” Clearly, there was only one logical response: he whisked it back to his apartment, where he prepared a “safe haven” complete with organic walnuts, a crystal for “spiritual grounding,” and a laminated pocket Constitution to keep it company. By all accounts, the squirrel did not seem to care.
“I’ve seen what the government’s doing to animals on TV,” McCracken said in a Facebook Live stream to his 27 followers, his voice wavering with the emotion of a man who clearly believes he’s starring in his own cable mini-series. “This is about control. They don’t want animals—and they sure don’t want Americans—living free.” Neighbors report spotting McCracken on his porch, pacing and occasionally shouting “Let Liberty live!” to no one in particular.
A Deep State of Delusion
Friends and former co-workers say McCracken’s passion for animal “liberation” is a new twist on his long-standing obsession with the “deep state,” a conspiracy theory he picked up after months of late-night cable TV and a rigorous listening schedule of “independent patriot podcasts.” He’s convinced that Fish and Wildlife officials are “targeting wild animals” for control, although local authorities assure residents that no such program exists.
“Honestly, we’ve had one squirrel-related call in two years, and that was about a raccoon eating birdseed,” said Nancy Peabody, Grass Valley’s weary animal control officer. “I assure you, we have no concern about what he does with a squirrel.” However, McCracken interprets the lack of response as evidence that the “deep state” is strategically maneuvering, waiting for him and Liberty to become complacent. “They’re watching us,” he told a cashier at the local Briar Patch co-op. “They’re just waiting for us to slip up.”
Despite McCracken’s elaborate precautions, his “sanctuary” plans took a hit when he started showing symptoms of rabies. As anyone might expect, McCracken has dismissed the diagnosis as “Big Pharma propaganda.” According to friends, he refuses treatment, claiming that the government just wants to “scare people off” from interacting with “the real wild.” Since then, he has treated his Instagram followers to daily posts detailing his alleged symptoms, which range from “mysterious twitches” to “high vibes that are just too intense to handle.”
The Self-Made Patriot
McCracken’s GoFundMe, “Help Me Resist Government Medicine,” has so far raised a grand total of $18, primarily from two donations (one from an out-of-state cousin, the other anonymous but probably from Daryl himself). Local officials have gently suggested he visit a clinic “for a tetanus shot, at least,” but McCracken isn’t having it. “I don’t need their government needles. I have essential oils,” he muttered to his 27 followers in yet another Facebook Live, this time punctuated by swigs from a bottle labeled “Herbal Defense Elixir.”
At last count, McCracken was strategizing a second mission: rescuing a “patriot raccoon” he believes Fish and Wildlife is “monitoring.” “They’re out there, tagging our animals, scaring off free spirits,” he declared, before launching into a meandering rant about the Founding Fathers, herbal remedies, and why he hasn’t paid his water bill in months.
Meanwhile, reports suggest that Liberty the Squirrel, recently freed from Daryl’s “protection,” has returned to the creek, looking noticeably healthier. As for McCracken, he’s likely somewhere in Grass Valley, brandishing a laminated pocket Constitution and dutifully standing guard against the “deep state” that still, for some reason, has no idea who he is.
